Happiness is....

buying a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans two sizes smaller than the ones you can't wear any more...

Moments to savor

Happiness is troubled Teen acting civilized which lets me act civilized (we’ve had some quality time talking, and it is good. I really like him when he lets me). After he came home from his brother's, the first night we didn't say much of anything, but the next day, he fell back into the old good patterns, like asking if he could go visit his girlfriend, and discussing who he should hang out with, cause he's tired (at the moment anyway) of getting into trouble.

Discovered he's been having troubles falling asleep, which he didn't tell anybody, and which explained a small stash of medications he wasn't supposed to have in his room. I told him to use bendryl, and some of it was just excitement, and having his sleep cycle different, and we would talk to his dr. about it when he gets back.

He's going through the usual want to go, want to stay type of reaction that teens go through when they leave their friends to take a trip.

When we're working on the same page together, he's so easy to deal with. It's just when we get the contraries (like I need him to behave a certain way, or do certain things) that it gets hard. But right now, he is happy, and wanting to have a good summer before he has to deal with what is ahead with the court.

Happiness is knowing that next month I get to go to my niece’s wedding, and see all my side of the family’s relatives for the first time in six years. This makes me very happy. It may be the last time I get to see my grandmother alive since I live so far away. And I have missed my niece a lot. She (and her parents) lived with us when she was a little thing, and it's hard to believe the little girl that I helped give her first bath to is now a grown up getting married.

Happiness is knowing that I am the smallest anyone has seen me since I was in my twenties. Oh, this pleases me to no end. And now I have to buy new hot weather clothes to be able to take the Houston heat. And that will be fun too.

This evening, after we put teen on the plane to go to visit his aunt’s, I may crash and burn, but now I am glowing. Even with a backache.

Midsummer's Eve

A poem for the day (yesterday was the old midsummer's eve -today is the old midsummer's day)

Oberon, sound your horn, and let your riders fly,
come quickly with Robin Goodfellow,
yclept Puck, mischevious fellow, to do your bidding,
on this day named so long ago after good St. John,
where fires are lit, and dreams are dreamt
in dark forest green.

Oberon, sound your horn, and let your riders fly
to where Titania, mighty in her smallness, holds court,
and that humgruffin, Bottom, lost and ensorcelled,
amuses her, with his ass's ears, bedecked with flowers
in the sylvan moonlight.

Oberon, sound your horn, and let your riders fly,
to where the midsummer's fires burn high in the night,
and the dancers leap, as light as the flames,
where, lovers, pearl touched by the heat of the dance,
steal off, gallionic, into the darkness,
houghmagandy on their minds, dizzy with midsummer's wine,
never mind the morrow.

Oberon, King of Fantasy, sound your horn, and lead
your white stallioned troops out of Faerie this night,
where we might honor you one more time before you ride away,
nearly forgotten.

(I did a word of the day thingie where I had to use the word Houghmagandy, gallionic, yclept, and humgruffin - and this is what came out!)

Friday Morning Weigh In

Here are my measurements, and you'll know seeing them why I have trouble finding things to wear....:

Chest: 40 3/4 (not bust And make the bust a size D cut while you're at it)

Waist: 40 1/2 (yaaay! waist finally budged again)

abdomen 48 1/2 (me and my apple)

Hips: 46 (way tooo small for that waist)

Now try buying something that fits for that figure!

Weight: 216 3 lbs for the week. Amazing.

__________
Looks like Son made it home last night. I am glad he didn't do anything to mess up his trip.

Evening, and Son is back home....

Well my quiet world has been shattered by the ringing of telephones as son has returned from his brother's house.

It may be oneriness on my part, but I refuse to answer the phone this evening.

I haven't talked with him hardly at all because in part, I don't trust my flash temper, and I haven't resolved things in my own head, and I really don't want to argue or struggle with him right before he goes to his aunt's.

He asked if he could go out to see his girlfriend, since it was going to be awhile until he will see her again, and we said yes, but warned him if he gets brought home by the cops, his trip out of town is off, and he goes back to the time out detention place. But I trust that won't be necessary.

There is a thunderstorm going on in the distance, and we stepped out on the porch to look at it and saw a double rainbow touching the ground only a few miles from the house. It was beautiful and gave me some hope. I hope his trip is good for him, and I hope I can continue to relax from the stress of it all.

I wish...

I wish people actually made clothes that fit my apple waist.

When I get dressed any more, I have a picture of Mary Kate Olsen flash through my mind, who now wears layers and layers of loose clothing so people don't see how thin she is (or so I suspect.)

Of course, I am not trying to hide my size. It's a combination of not being able to afford to go out and buy a new wardrobe every few weeks, of being in between sizes thanks to my apple waist, and it not being time effective to sew anything.

There are worse things I know...and this is much better than having to go out and buy new clothes cause the old ones are too tight!

I find myself going to shopping sites online and saying, can I buy that? Will it look ok as I lose weight? Do I buy it small and wait til I can get in it? When will I be able to get rid of these fat clothes I am wearing now (based on when will I be able to afford enough other clothes to take their places?)

I am not by nature much of a clothes horse...all this shopping feels too self-indulgent.

Ironic, fun, frustrating and happy making all at the same time!

The nice compensations...

The nice compensations of being on a diet...going out and buying an outfit in a size you haven't worn since 1980.

Moodswings, contemplations, backaches

I've had a backache all week. I was helping my hubby lift something over the weekend, and something got strained.

Each day's been better, but I get muscle spasms with it that require time to relax. Ouch.

Doesn't help my mood, either.

Yesterday by midafternoon, my great mood crashed. Not sure why. But I've been whiney and a bit unhappy since then. The backache hasn't helped this morning.

But the house is still quiet, and I have one more evening before Teen comes home from his brother's. Maybe that's the problem. Anticipating having to interact with him when I don't yet want to? But only until Saturday. And then Friday, hubby is taking off to take him fishing, so I won't have a lot of interaction, anyway.

I probably need to plug into my headphones and listen to Beethoven's 9th, second movement. Go for a walk. Organize my office space upstairs, where I can write on the computer without having the internet tempt me.

I haven't touched my history project. I haven't touched my needlework. All I can really seem to do right now is journal. At least that's better than plugging into the soap operas all day.

Diet's still going well. I can wear clothes today I couldn't wear 2 weeks ago. That's some compensation.

Depression sucks. I need to find a route to get unstuck.

Another Day, Another Mood, Hope and Peace

Well, I hate to say it, but I am starting, finally, to undwind a bit.

I am not going to worry about if my hair is still thinning. I don't brush out a lot of hair, so I think that I will just keep taking good care of it.

I am reading again, and enjoying it.

My psychiatrist said I am doing the best thing for myself by backing off and passing some of the decision making about teen over to Dad.

The house is nice and quiet, no emo music in the background.

I feel, well, rested. I am on a vacation, I guess.

All this crisis, and I've stuck with my diet easily. Got to be the wellbutrin.

I am still having trouble eating 1200 calories a day (I've been eating between 750-1000 for several days now). If this continues, I will talk with my doctor, but I think it was a result of the stress. In the past, I have never had an appetite crash that lasted longer than two weeks, and this has only been about 7 or 8 days. I am making efforts to eat, even without much appetite. I am taking my vitamins, taking fiber supplements, getting plenty of calcium. Can't do much more than that right now.

Hubby and I are talking about taking a trip next week while teen is at his aunt's. It will be interesting to see me juggling eating out that much. I can do it, but it takes thinking. One just can't go grab a quick burger. I will be taking my Pepsi One with me! A second honey moon - no kids, no stress. I was hoping we'd go to Oregon, but it looks like Yellowstone or other parts in Wyoming.

Maybe I'll be ready to tackle what July and August have to offer - court for teen, decisions about school next year, ways to help him cope with PTSD. But I don't have to think about that today.

And I am thankful.

O Joy (not!)

Last week, I noticed my hair had thinned some. I don't know what's causing it, but I have five potentials at work: stress, weight loss, a thyroid that was a bit low, perimenopause, and I am taking Wellbutrin.

Doctor has since put me on thyroid.

I don't see a lot of hair in my brush, though, so I am wondering if this happened already...I have changed hairdos to put less stress on my hair (hair is very long, past my waist.) I was wearing it in a ponytail bun (pull your hair back, twist it, wrap it into a bunshape, slip a hair tie over it to keep it in place, pin as needed.) Now I brush it out long, then put a hairtie about 1/3 of the way down on the top of my head, wrap the remainder in a little chignon, and hold it on top with a little clippy. It looks rather late victorian that way.

Now the question: do I use rogaine or not?

What a weekend....

Bad, bad weekend.

First, Friday night, teen wonder decides that walking his girlfriend around the block after I tell him it's time to come in isn't breaking grounding, and we get a huge argument when he comes back.

I wouldn't have left him outside to talk to her, but he was working on the woodpile with dad, and dad left him out to talk a few minutes. Which turned into over an hour.

During the night, he runs away. This is something he does after big arguments. Third or fourth time.

We turn him in, he gets picked up about two hours later.

I am skyhigh angry, and pull all of his posters off his walls, and there are a lot. I discover a can of Copenhagen, used up, and a lot of tobacco juice in his trashcan, and a stash of four loritabs.

I go off to the mall while he is still missing because I cannot handle this any more without some time away.

After he is picked up, he is taken to a timeout facility, not exactly a detention center, but a safe place for kids with problems or who have been abused or other things. Parents bring their kids there, and if the counselors think its justified, they keep them for a while. I really really really needed the time out, and we promised him if he did something else, this is where he would go.

Normally, they have a program where you do certain things, you get privileges. He refused.

After a night, we sent him to stay with his brother a few days. I was purposely out of the house while he came home and got some clothes. Friday, his dad is going to spend the day with him (in a way, I think this is wrong, like I thought letting him talk to his girlfriend was wrong, too, but I try not to signal this to teen) and go kayaking. Then he will go to his aunts for three weeks. And then he will face court.

I can't eat. I am having some trouble sleeping. I dropped two pounds over the weekend, after losing four pounds last week. This is not how I want to lose weight.

It was a rough week. He stayed out all night Sunday night and Monday night without permission, missed a psychiatrist appointment twice, missed a TRAM self paced summer school appointment, then got the ticket for tresspass and drugs, when we got woken up at three in the morning I think Thursday night.

Oh how I want to run away.