Moody.

I remember that day,
that last summer's day,
our last moment on the coast.

I took off my shoes to walk barefoot in the sand,
to feel that reality,
that point where sea, earth and sky meet,
one more time,
even though the air was cool
and the water cold,
not like the seashore where I grew up,
but still,
here you were, Ocean,
and I had missed you.

The lighthouse up on the rocks gleamed white,
while children tried to dam
a solitary trickle, not even a rivulet,
with wet sand.

I remember how bright the light was,
just like another day on a Texas beach,
wading in the water,
the water warm and bright,
that too was a last moment,
my last time fishing there,
only catching memories.

I miss you, Ocean,
and your fickle, demanding ways,
your mystery,
and your depth,
your promise.
Someday, perhaps, the desert will let me go,
and I will walk along your waters,
and know I am home.
_______

Today I am uneasy, and moody, and wistful.

I keep thinking of the songs "Love Reign O'er Me" by the Who from Quadrophenia, and Black Water by the Doobie Brothers.

Well, I built me a raft and she’s ready for floatin’
Ol’ Mississippi, she’s callin’ my name
Catfish are jumpin’
That paddle wheel thumpin’
Black water keeps rollin’ on past just the same.


Homesick for the past?
Son let a friend sleep over without permission, and his mom called looking for her son.


Only love
Can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky.
Only love
Can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high.

We had a talk. It seems to have worked for the moment. We talked about the differences between how we behave and how we feel on the inside, and how things pile up.

Something clicked for him, I think. He actually cleaned up his room this afternoon.

The season here is changing...the light looks like early autumn, and school starts this week.

Time, time, time, see what’s become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Almost, not quite.

The Runaway Returneth

Hubby and I decided to get out of the house for a little while, and something delayed us a few minutes, but because of that delay, right as we got around the corner, there we saw my runaway dog, just rounding the corner herself, wet and stinky from swimming in somebody's pond or something, so we got her home.

Interesting how things work out sometimes.

Then we went out for dinner, and we had a lovely time, which we both needed.

Now I am tired.

I was having a lovely day...

Dropped another pound, had a very pleasant morning at the library, then I come home.

I come home, the dog had opened the sliding glass door. Son had opened it up, no doubt to let one of the dogs out, and did not put the block we keep there just for that reason back into place.

She's gone again. My Hunter doggie.

He left his bedding all over the living room (slept on the sofa last night), the dishes undone, his myspace account up on his dad's computer, and all I want to do is run away.

I am so, so tired. Two weeks in a row?

I just want to run away. It is so exhausting to go through this time after time. My husband is so stressed, and although he doesn't tell son about it, he's down (disapointed? Distressed, worried, anxious? Maybe all at once) about the stupid phase both of them are going through.

It breaks my heart.

And now when I most want to go screaming off the handle, I want to hold on and stay in control at least until he feels a little better.

Weigh in day

weight 205

chest 39.5 (not bust)
waist 38.75
abdomen 47
hips 44.5

last month:
weight: 207
chest: 39.75
waist 39
abdomen 47
hips 44.5

original weights/measurements:


Original weight 252

Chest (not bust) 45
waist: 47.5
Abdomen started measuring a month into the diet): 52
hips: 52

Since most of last month was weightloss stagnant, not surprising to see little loss on the measurements, but still, it's a lot nicer than my original set!!

Something else to notice here: My abdomen measurement is now smaller than my waist was when I started this. Now that's a cool thought....

Too much of this, too much of that...and I'm tired.

Two nights up late and I am spending a sleepy afternoon.

My weight finally budged. Not only did it stop going up 4 pounds, down four pounds, I dropped another pound. 47 of them babies have gone byebye.

Today, my son registered for school. I hate that he won't try an alternative school program. He has had bad experiences at this school for two years in a row, and has developed a reputation with teachers and students.

One day he will have to do something about that chip on his shoulder. Pride that interferes with you doing good things for yourself less it spoil your image and depression are not a good combination.

But a friend of mine was having medical tests done today, and the technician was one of my former students from way back when. He told my friend about how I was a fantastic teacher. That made me feel a lot better. At least sometimes, I can get through and make a difference. There were times my son was making me doubt that.

Late, late posting...

Let's see. Doggie's home, Son is back on his meds, but still running off every afternoon until late, my pretty white cropped pants are too big for me, and I need to get some new ones, I broke both the fingernails on my ring fingers this evening, don't ask me how, and I drank too much coffee this evening, which is probably why I am not asleep.

But for the first time in awhile, my weight was 206 two days in a row...that was really pleasant.

My hubby was telling me tonight how I look like 1/3 of the woman I was this time last year. It's not that much change, but it does feel nice that he would say that. He's been most supportive of me, and has lost some weight, too, cause I fix the same stuff for him that I eat, although there is more for him than I eat. I do give him exactly the same portions to start with though as I put on my plate, and then let him have more if he wants it.

But somehow, even with the good in my life, I feel bluesy...Is it my birthday coming a week from Thursday? I turn 50, and that may be part of it. Retrospection and thinking about the years so far. Now that son is old enough, I really want to go back to work, and that's intimidating after being out of the job market so long. I'm doing volunteer work at a library, and it's made me itchy to be back in the job force. But on the other hand, husband may be doing retirement next year (a situation where job may be (this is not certain, though) phased out about the time he is minimally eligible to retire.)

Mostly, we are standing on the brink of transitions. Empty nest is approaching, and decisions about what to do next are coming up, and with son probably not having enough credits to graduate on schedule, lots of uncertainty and fretting is going on too...I've always been one to be anxious about approaching change, even when I want it. Transitions. It looks to be an interesting year.

Amazing!

My AWOL doggie is home! She was sitting on the front porch when we opened the door a few minutes ago. This is a dog who never has come home by herself before....I am so happy!

Yoyo yoyo yoyo

Yesterday morning I stepped on the scale. I weighed 210.5 This morning I stepped on the scale I weighed 206.7. I feel like a yoyo. This is the third or fourth time in the last three weeks I went up to 210 and then back down into the 206 range. Usually it takes 2 or three days. This is the first time I think it happened in one day.

But now I know why I had to make so many pit stops yesterday!

I have started taking some herbal supplements:

Saw Palmetto, cause I have signs of PCOS, and that helps suppress androgens.
Red Clover, Schizandra, Alfafa which help support the endocrine system and schizandra tends to work like a tonic on the cardiovascular system as well, so it is reported.
Alpha lipoic acid, chromium and fenugreek which help with the blood sugars and fat/sugar functions.
Fennel for my tummy.
CLA

I know from past experience that Fenugreek tends to make me feel better for some reason when I take it, and fennel seems to help achies as well as my tummy. Research does link things like chromium and alpha lipoic acid and calcium to weight loss. I take a good bit of calcium in chewable supplements every day, as well as eating yogurt daily.

I've taken these before. I want to see if going back on them makes a difference. Did take them yesterday. They may have had a diuretic effect.

Also, I have stocked up on Lipton's diet Green Tea with Citrus Flavors. Green tea is also linked to weight loss and is a great anti-oxidant. I like these teas because they are bottled, and I can take them with me when I go to work at the library.

Son has acted reasonably good today. I am thinking of another game plan. If he wants to be the guy in charge of himself, I will require him to act responsibly about things. Since he decided to go to his brother's instead of pre-registering for classes at the hs, then he can call tomorrow and get the info about what to do about late registration. If he wants to act like an adult about some things, I am going to expect him to act like an adult about the other things.

My dog is still AWOL. She was from a champion bloodline, and would cost over $1000 to replace from the same breeder we got her mother from (who is too old to breed again.) I haven't bugged him about that aspect, because at this time, there's no way he could replace her (it was his negligence that lost her) but it has made me think about how to encourage him to be responsible more and more, since that is the other side of the equation.

But I did buy some new boots yesterday. It was really nice that I could zip up a regular leg boot without having to go to an extra-sized leg. My calves have always been so big, that this was a neat discovery! And they're Rampage boots that I got on close out and they ended up costing me $15. A lucky find.