Just about all packed...

I have yahoo maps of the route from the airport to the hotel, from the hotel to my brother's house,I have my my clothes to wear tomorrow ready to go, my cds carefully sorted out so I can listen to music, two books packed. and may stick some crochet in the flight bag.

I have a notebook for my food journal, every prescription I use when my tummy acts up, enough clothes so I could change clothes three times a day for the days I'm in Houston (and as hot as it is, that's not impossible).

I have most of my email on no-email, lots of hair do-dads so I can wear my hair in various ways, including ways that my aged grandmother would think is improper for a woman of my age.

I have a neat picture of my getting married niece as a little girl that my mom used to carry around on a keyring which I intend to give to my niece.

Now I am tired. It's time to hurry up and wait. It's an early flight tomorrow, but I wonder how well I'll sleep.

My only sadness is my hubby can't come with me. But thanks to the miracle of cell phones, we will stay in easy touch.

Today is my anniversary....

Hard to believe life before this kind and interesting man, his sons, his touch, his strength, his softness, his life wrapped so intimately around mine.

Hard to forget the look in his eyes as he gazed into mine when we were wed, this man who had travelled two thousand miles to take me away.

Hard to imagine life where he is not, life without his soft voice, or his warmth next to mine.

Given the choice a thousand times over, I would gladly leave my home to be at his side.

My midlife miracle, my best friend, my husband.

Countdown....

Countdown to my trip to Houston.

Son is having a rough time. He got chewed out by the probation officer who was trying to scare him straight about life - about how now was the time to get his life together, something he really does want to do, but has trouble pulling it off. She made him realize he won't graduate from hs on schedule because of his grades, and how NOW is the time to start taking action for the work he wants to do in the future. He also knows now that he's not just getting a little slap on the wrist. His ptsd (or something) got kicked up when he visited his sister's grave, and he's not yet ready to deal with it, and his therapist (not his regular therapist, who had to have bypass surgery, and won't be back in for weeks) wants to see him on a weekly basis for awhile, and seeing how he felt, I do believe he needs it.

His girlfriend decided to go out with another boy when he was out of town, and Saturday night, he ran into them, which just made his mood go darker.

But an ex-friend of his wants to hang with him again, and that made him feel better.

I'm beginning to feel it's better to go through high school with a bunch of unrequited crushes instead of these crash and burn romances.

Anyway, this will be here for me to deal with when I get back, but my heart's not into it right now, and I feel sorry for him, but I promised myself I would make him feel loved at home but get him to be responsible as much as possible for the consequences of his actions...in other words, minimize my facilitating his way out of the mess by taking the initiative - I mean, if he asks for my advice or help, it'll be there, but he needs to be the one to figure out his community service hours, which they certainly are going to give him. He needs to be the one to find a job to pay for his fines. He's about to turn 17, and it's time to stop acting like he'll be a kid forever.

This is not the adolescence I wished on him, but now he's here, so he has to make the best of a bad situation. Or flounder. I was a late bloomer about getting my act together, so I know it can be done. He will have all my love and I will do my very best to be supportive without compromising his ability to realize the consequences of his actions and to spread his wings.

Some of these intentions, I suspect are based on my hope not to get into such a stressed-out tizzy again, too...so some of this is moving to protect my own psyche, but it is hard to be supportive when I am down in the bottom myself. These last three weeks has really helped me to recoup. Right now I can deal with his troubles without feeling overwhelmed by the fact that his determination to resist authority and to be stupid about accepting help on the day-to-day management of things is a big part of why he is where he is at. My speciality when I was teaching was helping underprepared, poor students succeed in their composition and reading, by helping them become better students, so this really gets on my nerves at times, his refusal to let me help. But then, my help wouldn't work for students that weren't prepared to accept the help, and it won't help him unless he wants it. I have to let go.

How long these good intentions will last is another story!

So now, instead of fretting over all the troubles ahead of him, I am doing my final getting stuff together for my trip on Thursday. Which shoes to bring? Which outfits will I really want to wear? It's kind of fun, because it's going to be a bit of a show-off moment. I haven't seen most of them in six or seven years. Here I am, weighing much less than I did last time I sent them pictures. I've touched up my gray already. I will have a suitcase full of decent clothes, and a really nice dress to wear to the wedding. (It's actually a little big for me, except across the abdomen. Fits me a lot, lot better than when I bought it six years ago. If the wedding were two weeks from now, I couldn't wear it. It's really on the border of the clothes I can wear!

My going down there, looking happy and healthy, and good is also a reflection on how well the marriage is going to these people I seldom see. I have an excellent marriage. Today is my anniversary! And amid all the toils and troubles we've had with our youngest, I would not ever decide not to be with my husband. I'm glad I held out and married late. He was worth the wait.

The Dreaded Day....

My son goes to the the probation officer today who will be recommending what program he should be in to the judge who will handle my boy's offense - a drug diversion program, which son has been through last year when he pulled an even stupider action by smoking pot around the corner from the police station, which is right near the skate park , or the regular juvenile court program. I don't know what it will be.

I am letting hubby deal with it this morning. Part of my recovery plan, and I just woke up sick anyway. IBS - maybe kicked off between the trip and feeling maybe a little stressed about what will be going on for son, or maybe I just ate wrong for my needs yesterday. I used to get like this for a week or two at the beginning of every college session, so it is not really a weird reaction. Of course this hits when I have so much to do this week. That just is par for the course.

But back to son. He went out to a fireworks event last night (a celebration of Utah's founding, a week early for some reason), and I don't know if he had more girlfriend problems or he's just stressed himself about today (I suspect a combination effect - the girl he really wants to be with, and who likes to hang with him took another boyfriend since he was gone in the complicated nomenclature these kids are defining their relationshops with.)

He was red-eyed and playing some of the emo music that gets him wound up. I can sometimes gauge his emotional state by the music he listens to.

I feel really sorry for this sad, depressed, PTSD kid, a handsome, almost six foot tall man-child, more man than child, who wants to be loved, but burns out his relationships (don't know if it's him, his need to reinforce his own worthlessness, or the fact the girls he chooses can't sustain it with him). I NEED to let him deal with consequences (particularly with doing stupid things like using pot - he's almost 17, and will lose that golden juvenile status before much longer), but it still breaks my heart to see him hurt, and crashing and burning because he feels worthless sometimes, and guilty for being alive.

I'm glad he's scheduled to see his therapist today.

Me, I lost over a pound from the time I woke up till right before I wrote this. Stupid tummy. Lots to do in the next three days. So I dosed up with anti-spasmotics, and am off to do laundry.

But I am really anxious wondering what they will decide to do with my baby.