The Dreaded Day....

My son goes to the the probation officer today who will be recommending what program he should be in to the judge who will handle my boy's offense - a drug diversion program, which son has been through last year when he pulled an even stupider action by smoking pot around the corner from the police station, which is right near the skate park , or the regular juvenile court program. I don't know what it will be.

I am letting hubby deal with it this morning. Part of my recovery plan, and I just woke up sick anyway. IBS - maybe kicked off between the trip and feeling maybe a little stressed about what will be going on for son, or maybe I just ate wrong for my needs yesterday. I used to get like this for a week or two at the beginning of every college session, so it is not really a weird reaction. Of course this hits when I have so much to do this week. That just is par for the course.

But back to son. He went out to a fireworks event last night (a celebration of Utah's founding, a week early for some reason), and I don't know if he had more girlfriend problems or he's just stressed himself about today (I suspect a combination effect - the girl he really wants to be with, and who likes to hang with him took another boyfriend since he was gone in the complicated nomenclature these kids are defining their relationshops with.)

He was red-eyed and playing some of the emo music that gets him wound up. I can sometimes gauge his emotional state by the music he listens to.

I feel really sorry for this sad, depressed, PTSD kid, a handsome, almost six foot tall man-child, more man than child, who wants to be loved, but burns out his relationships (don't know if it's him, his need to reinforce his own worthlessness, or the fact the girls he chooses can't sustain it with him). I NEED to let him deal with consequences (particularly with doing stupid things like using pot - he's almost 17, and will lose that golden juvenile status before much longer), but it still breaks my heart to see him hurt, and crashing and burning because he feels worthless sometimes, and guilty for being alive.

I'm glad he's scheduled to see his therapist today.

Me, I lost over a pound from the time I woke up till right before I wrote this. Stupid tummy. Lots to do in the next three days. So I dosed up with anti-spasmotics, and am off to do laundry.

But I am really anxious wondering what they will decide to do with my baby.