Countdown....

Countdown to my trip to Houston.

Son is having a rough time. He got chewed out by the probation officer who was trying to scare him straight about life - about how now was the time to get his life together, something he really does want to do, but has trouble pulling it off. She made him realize he won't graduate from hs on schedule because of his grades, and how NOW is the time to start taking action for the work he wants to do in the future. He also knows now that he's not just getting a little slap on the wrist. His ptsd (or something) got kicked up when he visited his sister's grave, and he's not yet ready to deal with it, and his therapist (not his regular therapist, who had to have bypass surgery, and won't be back in for weeks) wants to see him on a weekly basis for awhile, and seeing how he felt, I do believe he needs it.

His girlfriend decided to go out with another boy when he was out of town, and Saturday night, he ran into them, which just made his mood go darker.

But an ex-friend of his wants to hang with him again, and that made him feel better.

I'm beginning to feel it's better to go through high school with a bunch of unrequited crushes instead of these crash and burn romances.

Anyway, this will be here for me to deal with when I get back, but my heart's not into it right now, and I feel sorry for him, but I promised myself I would make him feel loved at home but get him to be responsible as much as possible for the consequences of his actions...in other words, minimize my facilitating his way out of the mess by taking the initiative - I mean, if he asks for my advice or help, it'll be there, but he needs to be the one to figure out his community service hours, which they certainly are going to give him. He needs to be the one to find a job to pay for his fines. He's about to turn 17, and it's time to stop acting like he'll be a kid forever.

This is not the adolescence I wished on him, but now he's here, so he has to make the best of a bad situation. Or flounder. I was a late bloomer about getting my act together, so I know it can be done. He will have all my love and I will do my very best to be supportive without compromising his ability to realize the consequences of his actions and to spread his wings.

Some of these intentions, I suspect are based on my hope not to get into such a stressed-out tizzy again, too...so some of this is moving to protect my own psyche, but it is hard to be supportive when I am down in the bottom myself. These last three weeks has really helped me to recoup. Right now I can deal with his troubles without feeling overwhelmed by the fact that his determination to resist authority and to be stupid about accepting help on the day-to-day management of things is a big part of why he is where he is at. My speciality when I was teaching was helping underprepared, poor students succeed in their composition and reading, by helping them become better students, so this really gets on my nerves at times, his refusal to let me help. But then, my help wouldn't work for students that weren't prepared to accept the help, and it won't help him unless he wants it. I have to let go.

How long these good intentions will last is another story!

So now, instead of fretting over all the troubles ahead of him, I am doing my final getting stuff together for my trip on Thursday. Which shoes to bring? Which outfits will I really want to wear? It's kind of fun, because it's going to be a bit of a show-off moment. I haven't seen most of them in six or seven years. Here I am, weighing much less than I did last time I sent them pictures. I've touched up my gray already. I will have a suitcase full of decent clothes, and a really nice dress to wear to the wedding. (It's actually a little big for me, except across the abdomen. Fits me a lot, lot better than when I bought it six years ago. If the wedding were two weeks from now, I couldn't wear it. It's really on the border of the clothes I can wear!

My going down there, looking happy and healthy, and good is also a reflection on how well the marriage is going to these people I seldom see. I have an excellent marriage. Today is my anniversary! And amid all the toils and troubles we've had with our youngest, I would not ever decide not to be with my husband. I'm glad I held out and married late. He was worth the wait.