Shrinking Into Sanity

Poem for an earache day

2007-01-21T09:11:00.001-08:00

Earache, earache,
Sinus and and a throat ache,
Stuffy like cotton
the left side of my head,
Throbby and drowsing,
let me stay in bed.
Winter, my friend has caught me too,
Aching and coughing, how about you?
I just hope I don't get the flu,
Wintertime bugs are the pits.

Rainy day in Autumn

2006-09-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

Rain rain, go away,
I don't want to ache today.
To much to see, too much to do
to spend my time aching with you.
Too much cool, too much wet,
I've got floors to mop, but muddy pets,
Clothes to wash, but my ankes hurt,
I'll sit by the fire and leave the dirt.
Rain, rain, go away,
I don't want to ache today.

End of the Quest

2006-08-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

Briar, briar, twisted tight,
remember well this lovely night,
where spell was wrought to come undone
will be completed by morning sun.
Look where she lies, asleep alone,
While father slumbers on his throne,
and scullery maids sleep on their brooms
and spiders dream while at their looms,
You cannot stop the prince this night,
Your thorns that guard fail in his sight,
When his lips touch hers, the last veil torn,
Your thorns will vanish come the morn.
The spindle's spell will come to rest,
and your leaves adorn her wedding dress.

Contemplating Camelot's Ruin

2006-08-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

Contemplating Camelot's Ruin

Let it be told again, how there it stood,
There by the Camel's fabled stream
There the keep arose, a fortress strong,
Strong enough to hold a dream
Fifteen hundred years or more
Glimmering like a chimera in the telling,
A place where one man strived to stand tall
Against the darkness gathering, swelling
To wipe away the light that was,
And bravely through that twilight strode the Bear,
And for a season, he succeeded,
And planted the dream that lingers there.
And yet in the end, the darkness called his name,
Blood fighting blood, love betrayed,
Are what we remember best of what he wrought,
except the lone promise made
When carried off to Avalon
for healing beyond time and space
on that fair faerie isle,
to return again - Arthur, lo, quicken your pace!

Prosody

2006-07-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

meaning, placement, sound and sight,
eye appeal and heart's delight,
dancing letters come to play,
round the globe and here to stay.
nuance, shape, alliteration,
assonance and concentration,
thoughts may scurry if you turn on the light,
but don't let them frighten you in the night....

2006-07-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

The Diplomatic Tango

One step forward,
then two steps back with him,
change your partner,
then do it all again,
Bouquet of carrots,
or stick twirled violently,
Peace comes hard won,
Yet war comes instantly.

Words, o words, o spinning words,
so diplomatically spoken,
offers float by like trial balloons,
piecrust promises broken.

Beware the knife he hides
there in his other hand,
who can you get him talking to,
to make him understand,
Gunfire rattles
are not a children's gift.
Peace is hard won,
what glue can heal this rift?

Words, o words, o spinning words,
so diplomatically spoken,
offers float by like trial balloons,
piecrust promises broken.

Feint and thrust and
don't let them see your plan
play them together
and hope they understand.
Cover your backside,
or else you'll feel the knife.
Peace comes hard won -
What salve can heal this strife?

Words, o words, o spinning words,
so diplomatically spoken,
offers float by like trial balloons,
piecrust promises broken.

2006-07-04T09:59:00.000-07:00

Let us remember today
how high the cost of liberty,
how hard the dream of freedom,
how sweet the rewards of opportunity,
how precious the concept.

Pass it down,
how men chose to stand for an idea
of self-determination of liberty,
and were willing, when called,
to buy that dream with their life.
This dream is not for tyrants,
not bound by color or creed or race,
but bound by justice, honor, and hope.

Yes, we have not always lived up to our dream,
but it still burns brightly,
fed with the blood of our sons and daughters,
a torch to light the night -
unalienable truths,
liberty, life, and the pursuit of happiness
framed by the consent of the governed
in a striving for justice.

Pass it down,
this torch bought dearly,
and guard it with all your might,
for the winds of darkness ever strive to put it out.

2006-06-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

O festinate headache!
O sinus unruly!
O chronic rhinitis!
O asthma uncooly!
Sending me back to the allergy clinic.

O bronchial spasm,
O be-perfumed air!
O outgassing formaldehyde!
O gel in their hair!
Sending me back to the allergy clinic.

O Frontal Sinus!
O Eustachian achings!
O malicious mucosa!
O tonsillar quakings!
Sending me back to the allergy clinic.

(at least it's not hives!)

Mordants

2006-06-12T06:35:00.000-07:00

Blue vitriol, alum, ashes,
Acetate of lead,
Copperas, tin, argol
to bring color to your thread -
What mordant for the spirit
to make your soul turn red?
Desire to control, and anger
even if it leaves your brother dead.

2006-06-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

They syncretize
the truth with their lies
trying to disguise
the agenda they share.
They long to hypnotize,
gnostically cauterize
the ability to realize
the darkness they bear.
Banality on the rise
twisted with tears and cries
reality compromised --
the world will not care
when they are vandalized
by powers they scandalized
Utopia sacrificed
to dreams in thin air.

2006-06-07T21:43:00.000-07:00

Hot Coffee Blues

I've got an empty cup this morning, I got the coffee blues today,
I've got an empty cup this morning, I got the coffee blues today.
My baby left and took the grinder, can't make no coffee here today.

Hot coffee in the morning, hot coffee in the afternoon,
Hot coffee in the morning, Hot coffee in the afternoon,
Don't forget to leave some sugar so I can use my coffee spoon.

Some people like that Mocha Java, some people want Kenyan AA
Some people like that Mocha Java, some people want Kenyan AA,
Some people just by Folgers, don't want to grind no beans today.

Some people buy a perculator, some people drip that coffee strong,
Some people buy a perculator, some people drip that coffee srtong,
If it tastes the way you want it, you know that you did not do wrong.

Do you drink it dark as midnight, or do you like it just au lait,
Do you drink it dark as midnight, or do you like it just au lait?
It don't really even matter long as it tastes good to you that way.

I've got an empty cup this morning, I got the coffee blues today,
I've got an empty cup this morning, I got the coffee blues today.
My baby left and took the grinder, can't make no coffee here to day.

Primevera Cynicality

2006-05-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

Spring has sprung, I can tell
by all the part time farmers in the dell
riding lawnmowers back and forth
cursing sprinklers, heading north
to the garden center.

Spring has sprung, this I know
by all the walkers with their glow
of sunscreen heading up the hill
Til their podiatrist sends the bill
for harvesting their corns.

Spring has sprung, and it's such a sight
Shorts above those knees so white,
Tanktops framing reddened skin,
For those who forget the spf 30 again
back in the car.

Spring has sprung and sinus ache
for dust's and mold's and pollen's sake
For lilac. cherries. apples. oak
and ash and pine and rubbish smoke
do share the wealth.

Spring has sprung and summer's near,
And fan and cooler prepare, my dear,
For soon the heat will hit the street,
and you'll be sweating in your seat,
looking for shade.

Poetry games

2006-02-05T19:52:00.000-08:00

Sand sifts through my fingers
blowing gently into the breeze
leaving nothing behind
except some fragments of shell
to let me know
this is ocean,
not desert,
and in the end,
the differences matter.

1
leaf dancing in wind
flitting between earth and sky
but earth at last wins.

2
drop of silver light
ice crystals in the morning
windshield refractions.

3
Featherlike ice ferns
now growing on windowpanes
then melt in noon sun.

4
smoke like memory
rising up from orange-red glow
hidden in the dark.

5.

Conundrums,
like the color gray,
swishing on needles of ebony,
a puzzle
where the thread comes from.

6.
Watery bonfire,
sunset sinking westward down,
alpinglow crimson.

7. (knitting lace)

cold steel wire vengeance
upon my tired aching joints,
silken thread shimmer.

Early mornings

2006-01-31T05:26:00.000-08:00

I meant to post this yesterday - I wrote it when someone asked me why I got up so early:

Mellow is the quiet that I get
in the morning, before they rise,
in the morning, before they rise,
that's the time, that's the time,
I love the best.

Peaceful is the color of the time
in the morning, before they rise,
in the morning, before they rise,
that's the time, that's the time,
I love the best.

Calm is the feeling that I get
in the morning, before they rise,
in the morning, before they rise,
that's the time, that's the time,
I love the best.

(apologies to Donovan)

2006-01-31T05:21:00.000-08:00

Feels like I'm mostly well now. Maybe it's safe to get back to the diet. We'll see.

The Puca

Dark the horse that flies over the silent hills,
his gallop beating through the night
like the sound of fear.
Dancing in the wheat, stallion he,
with no respect for hard work and hungry mouth,
Fences concern him not, as he crashes through
leaving more work behind.
Beware, you who walk the road at night,
for in his mad joy, he will come like the wind
and knock you into the ditch, for the sheer doing of it.
Don't forget to leave him his bit when harvest comes,
Or you will feel his ire even more.

2006-01-29T07:41:00.000-08:00

This morning,
a snow palace sits in my back yard,
roofed with finest grey leaded clouds,
columned with white capped spruce,
the lacy white adorned fingers
of walnut branches
reaching upward.
White, pristine, the snow carpet,
piled up high,
well over the top of my boot.
Music provided by the orchestra
of Juncos, Finches, Pinesiskens
waiting for their sunflowery pay.
Ah, Winter!
In these moments before I have to face
the roads and the ice
I can appreciate your loveliness.

Groggy with sinutitis, I ramble...

2006-01-23T07:48:00.000-08:00

Word bounces upon word,
sound upon sound,
image upon image.
Let me slosh them around,
Wordy margarita or or verbal martini -
Stir, not shake -
osterize them in my memory,
spice them with allusions to this and to that,
and in the end,
let me sit back
and see if I like the result.

2006-01-19T16:43:00.000-08:00

Prose and poetry,
poetry and prose
makes my head ache
and tickles my nose.

How shall I start
as my eyes start to cross,
I crumple the paper --
Another trashcan toss.

I'm getting quite good
with my paper toss free throw,
Maybe I should stop writing,
NBA forwards go,

A new career to start,
throw away all the paper,
Give my partner a scare -
what a fun caper!

Pen and ink, ink and pen,
printer, paper and scanner,
Come over here, words,
and I'll make you a banner!

Pen and ink, ink and pen,
words bubble and streak,
come home to me now,
and then again next week!

Sinus aches.

2006-01-18T06:26:00.000-08:00

Oh, someday the spring will come.

But today I am gifted with a sinus headache. What joy.

Morning,
if today I do not greet you
with my usual gusto,
ready to see what you have in store for me,
It is not my fault.
Your sister Night
teased me in my sleep,
nudging me just enough
that I thought she was Miss Twilight,
and how long I lay there,
not quite asleep,
not quite awake,
as Night dragged it out forever.
And now I sit here,
heavy eyed,
and wish for the rest
she took from me.
Ah well. Perhaps Lady Midday
will look upon me kindly
and gift me with a nap.

Another wftd exercise in words - truthiness

2006-01-17T04:49:00.000-08:00

Forsooth!
the truth,
I ruth,
is not uncouth -
truthiness
a cutsiness
somehow is less
veritas.

Another shadow poem

2006-01-11T07:11:00.000-08:00

Umbrellas and shadows
marking our lives,
like the sun during an eclipse,
like an oak on a summer's day,
or a red moon hanging low in the sky,
a shadow dancing behind a running child.

The shiver of bad news
A moment of quiet
the color of anger
a candlelit shrine
the grief of loss
a prayer said in silence -

weaving though our lives,
the pause,
the shadow,
the darkness
boundaries we cannot escape,
sure as our shadow
on a bright summer's day.

Updates and itchies.

2006-01-11T05:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I seem to be over the flu, and most of the viral rash has gone away, although it still itches from time to time. Like for hours. Not as bad as the hives, but I have scratched some long streaks into my skin without realizing it. I think it made the affected skin more delicate.

poem I wrote for a word of the day group I hang with (word was umbrage):

Umber -
raw,
brown,
the color of earth,
growth, hope.
burnt, red brown rage.
Umbrage,
the shadow hiding
unresolved issues,
smoldering,
until the heart it shadows
also takes the color
burnt.

Lovely flu....

2006-01-05T06:07:00.000-08:00

lovely flu
lovely rash.

Where did you come from
Rash that makes my hand look scalded
and my arms speckled
and gives my feet blotches
and itches
and makes my skin tender?

Flu's not supposed to give you a rash.

But there it is.
A virus is acting rashly.

Two for the price of one?

Incidental New Year poems

2005-12-31T18:40:00.000-08:00

It's a poet's game,
casting out words
and writing in response.

If I could write a sonnet, would it say
full half of what my heart has in it now?
Some special word to brighten up your way,
To weave a web of dreams if you allow
Would make my moment happier by far
And let me start the New Year with a smile.
But how this moment seems askew, ajar,
with business left to do all in a pile.
And so I'll leave good hopes for one and all -
And later will I come with poesy's call.

Clever as a feather
drifting soft on starlight wings,
word to image dancing,
now lost in faery rings,
What word have you to sing tonight
as old year turns to new?
What memories will spin inside,
some happy, some to rue?

Clever as a feather
drifting soft on starlight wings,
the old year is coming home to rest,
the new year gently sings,
of tomorrows we will cherish,
of hopes we long to bring
into the break of morning light
beyond the faery ring.

Odds and ends

2005-12-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

Yay! Today I lost all the weight I put on over the three days of Christmas celebration I gave myself. Some of it must have been fluid retention from more salt than usual...to go up that fast and come down that fast.

Been trying to collect some of my poetry.

Managed to mostly recapture a poem I wrote back in the 80s that I always liked. (Not reflective of my current state of mind, or my marriage, or my life now...but was probably pretty true then!)

We all build walls, it seems, she said.

The rose,
the rose he handed her
falls apart,
scattering its petals
like leaves in an autumn breeze
until nothing is left
but a dry leaf
and a thorny stem
and a memory
of something beautiful gone forever.

We all build walls, it seems, she said.

1983/2005

Of course it's not exactly how I wrote it, and I am sure I added some touches from my now style, but I like it as a piece of art.

Sunshine and Snow

2005-12-29T09:25:00.000-08:00

Today it was snow falling
under a sky growing blue,
big puffy clouds,
not a snow sky at all.
Yet there they were,
white kernals
scattering over the yard,
a moment that makes you wonder
where
such a contrast could come from.

Too warm to snow, I thought,
so I double checked the thermometer
The chatter of songbirds grew
as I tended to the birdfeeders,
looking up at the sky,
walking there with no coat on,
just a cotton shirt,
watching the snow mix into the birdseed,
the sparrows and chickadees
impatient
where they hid among the wisteria and juniper,
ignoring the weather.

But there it was.
I poured birdseed,
looked up at the blue sky,
and thought about God's sense of humour.

Someone gave me a word for the day -Quiddity

2005-12-29T08:12:00.000-08:00

quiddity \KWID-ih-tee\, noun

1. The essence, nature, or distinctive peculiarity of a thing.
2. A hairsplitting distinction; a trifling point; a quibble.
3. An eccentricity; an odd feature.

So, in response, I wrote:

She long suffered the Gulf coast humidity,
Glowing lady-like in summer liquidity,
Moving west, she discovered
What dry skin means, and her cupboard
Is filled with bottles of liquid's wet quiddity!

A poem

2005-12-28T07:04:00.000-08:00

Shall we then
meet
when the darkness sweeps us up
like the scattering of leaves
on a long autumn's night
dancing in the wind,
meeting as one year
progresses into the next,
excitement in our hearts,
transition the hope
of new birth?

Shall we wander
along the dark paths,
wander watching the prodigal stars
scatter their dust upon an unknowing landscape,
atom by atom,
with that crystalline call
that makes us yearn to eternity?

Shall we wait, instead,
hovering like snowflakes
on boughs of blue-green spruce,
white purity
twinkling in the winter sun,
Dangling like the last drop
of a crystal icecle,
poised to fall
soon as the weather warms?

Or shall we instead,
walk together this morning,
our words hovering about us
perhaps like a protective halo,
guarding us
from who knows what,
perhaps a soon forgotten moment of innocence
glimmering in our unquenched hopes,
or perhaps, instead,
our words might become the doorway to a truth
we hadn't seen before.

Who would have thought we could
have this time together,
You and I?

3 Days before Christmas

2005-12-22T06:34:00.000-08:00

Twas three days before Christmas, and all through the house,
The panic was starting, and even the mouse
Knew better than stand near the kitchen and stare,
And away from the sewing room -don't even go there.
The projects to finish, the work left to do,
The presents to wrap, and more cooking, too
As aunties and uncles, grandmas and pas
and nieces and nephews expect Santa Claus,
And husbands lay low, lest they get in the way,
and children don't need an excuse to go play,
On cookies, on bread dough, on stockings, on holly,
On gooses to stuff, on cranberry jelly,
Sew last minute presents, wrap last minute toys
for almost forgotten good girls and boys.
Time is awasting! It soon will be here!
That moment we look for - Sweet Christmas cheer!
In honor of that birth down in Bethelem way,
Merry Christmas to you, and have a great day.

Twas 4 days before Christmas...

2005-12-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

Diet thoughts: O the mixed joys of the month of December. Haven't succumbed to the desire to eat lots of rich fatty food, but O, once the weather turned cold, I have wanted to eat.

Not a whole lot extra. 200 or 300 calories...going from a pretty steady 1200 cal a day to 1400-1600. The occasional day at 2000.

I am holding my own between 187-189, while my hubby, who had lost about 10 lbs since I started dieting (compared to my 60+ lbs) has put on five.

I think it's the time of year. Cold triggers want to eat, at least at first. I've always had trouble with eating this time of the year.

But I really am happy that I have actually lost a little weight between October and Christmas.

September 18 I weighed 196. My weight's hovering 7-9 lbs. lighter during the time of the year that is hardest to lose weight.

That is not a bad accomplishment.

Life: Oldest Son came to visit a couple of days. It's so easy to forget how well everybody can fit together when the gap is closed. I can tell son hadn't been eating as well as Momma had been feeding him before he left. And it was kind of fun to do some family sized cooking. Younger son, who tends to eat on the fly (something I gave up trying to stop) actually sat down with us once. Very nice. Like a foretaste, I hope, of Christmas dinnertime.

Intentionally chose not to break the bank this year. God sons small gifts with gift cards. Present exchanges trouble me since my mom passed away, for some reason. This year, I decided since the boys are adult (mostly) to minimize the gift giving, decorated the tree very differently, and have been putting the emphasis on the religious aspects, instead of the gimme culture thing. It's been much more pleasant. I am hoping this remains true this week.

Younger son who is working bought himself a cricket phone for Christmas, which means none of his close people will be getting anything! But that's OK, too, cause he got the phone he wanted and the package he wanted, and I am glad. Maybe I can find out where he is now when he doesn't show up!

My step mom made me the most beautiful quilt. If I get a chance and the room tidy enough, I will take its picture. I don't quite have the patience do make one of that type. It's gorgeous. Of all my Christmas presents this year, that's the one I will cherish the best (especially, unless older son buys me one, I will have bought all the others! Hubby doesn't often think about spontaneous, lovely gifts. It's just not his style. I love him anyway! ) because it shows such love...I wish she didn't live so far away so I could spend more time with her...I don't know if she knows how much I think of her...She's a very special person.

Sunshine and snowfall

2005-12-14T18:04:00.000-08:00

Snowflakes in the sunshine
scattered across the afternoon,
like white fireflies
dancing in the wind,
swirling between
leafless walnut
and green spruce
as gray cloud
and blue sky
played tag against the mountain.

Sunshine and snowfall.
It didn't seem to bother the chickadees,
but the juncos were probably grateful
that the spilled seed they were eating
wasn't covered up by the white.

Weigh In Day

2005-12-12T06:18:00.000-08:00

Week 36

Weight: 187
Chest (not bust) 37.5
Waist: 36.5
Abdomen: 43.5
Hips:42.5
BMI Index 33

Weigh In Stats: Week 28

Weight 192
Chest 38.25
Waist: 36.5
Abdomen: 44.25
Hips: 43
BMI Index: 34

Original weight 252
Chest (not bust) 45
waist: 47.5
Abdomen started measuring a month into the diet): 52
hips: 52
BMI Index 44.6

These last 5 lbs have been a bugger. Plateaued out, but now seem to be losing again. Lost a pound last week and this week.

Yay!

2005-12-06T11:57:00.000-08:00

I've lost two pounds after yoyoing all of November.

188. Long way from 252.

It's snowing. My tummy has been killing me all week, and I am bored.

Ah well. At least my Christmas tree is up.

Post Thanksgiving

2005-11-30T07:41:00.000-08:00

Wow. It snowed over the weekend, about 4 inches. It snowed yesterday, at least two inches. This time last year we were wondering if we really would get a white Christmas, but the snow is here earlier.

I don't really like this much snow. Or maybe, it's the fact that I don't like the gray days that go with it.

Thanksgiving was amazingly good. This time last year, my youngest son picked a fight with me so he could spend the day with his girlfriend. My oldest son was busy in the last stages of his relationship with his high school sweetheart, and there was alot of tension between the two of them.

This Thanksgiving, I was really prepared to have it just be my hubby and me, but lo and behold, both boys showed up for dinner, nobody fought with anybody, and I couldn't have had a nicer Thanksgiving day. First time I'd seen older son in about three months, and he's learning the hard truth about the difference between dreaming about something and having to work for things. Working I think is starting to win. We let him know we loved him, and he can come home if it gets too hard, but I suspect he'll only come home if something really bad happens. He also found out that owing us 450 dollars doesn't mean he's not welcome here. He's been missed. I could tell by the son-shaped hole he filled so perfectly when he came over.

Weight. Well, I spent all month, maybe 6 weeks yoyoing. Before Halloween I dropped 5 lbs in one week (don't know why, I wasn't doing anything differently), but it came back to yoyo between 195-191 all month. Then it began to get a little better. yoyoing between 193-190. Then today I step on the scale, 189. And that after Thanksgiving.
That is good. I am still eating between 1200-1500 cals a day, which should be the optimal range for my weightloss.

On Thanksgiving, I didn't eat obsessively, nor did I eat food choices that are really bad for me. But on Thanksgiving day, I gave myself permission to eat like it was a celebration day, but not stupidly. I think I ate between 2000-2200 cals. I had some small wedges of pumkin pie, about half an inch thick. I discovered mixing sugar and fat free pudding to either non-fat plain yogurt or low cal soy milk. This I had to put a stop to. The calorie count isn't bad, but I wanted it two times a day.

But I did make a nice faux blueberry cheesecake for thanksgiving with pudding mix, lite coolwhip, NF yogurt, and frozen blueberries. I put it in a low fat graham cracker crust, but next time I make it, I will make it crust free, cause that adds a lot of calories. I have to admit I ate half of it on thanksgiving day but one of my sons did me the favor and ate the other half after I went to sleep.

We had roast goose, stovetop stuffing, boiled potatos, green beans. Hubby had a storebought pecan pie for him. We had some good bread. A nice dinner, with plenty, but nothing that would cause too much problem later.

Strategies for sensible living. After living like this for something like 9 months, I believe, it's become a way of life. May it continue to be so.

Beauty is....

2005-11-19T06:00:00.000-08:00

watching what must have been fifty or sixty tundra swans fly home at sunset, as red tinged the mountain. Wish I had had my camera....

8 days have slipped by...

2005-11-16T07:19:00.000-08:00

wow.

Been busy being sick with weather changes -arthritis and a growing digestive problem. Feels like I'm trying to cut an ulcer again. I hate it. It's like a little monster in the tummy that's always asking to be fed. So far, I've been staving it off, but I still am eating a bit more than in my optimal weight loss range.

With this, and the cold weather, I've been yoyo-ing between 190 and 194 lbs, over and over. Not bad for the holidays, but not what I want.

Today I made cabbage soup. Cabbage can help an achy tummy lining. Mostly I've been sitting in front of the fireplace, or the computer, in woolies and longjohns trying to keep my joints warm enough so they don't hurt. And I have just been feeling cold. And old. And sick.

Tea and cabbage soup and prilosec. That's the menu today. sigh.

euuuu.....

2005-11-08T03:45:00.000-08:00

Never trust a teenager to keep a bathroom clean....

But he has managed to find a job.

My weight is plateauing again...this seems to be the new thing. Sit on the same level for a couple to three weeks, suddenly drop a couple or three pounds, plateau back up. No doubt I am in a setpoint range, and have to get past it.

Quandries.

2005-10-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

My bra size is not quite right, and it’s actually been hard to keep up with it as I’m losing weight, but the measurement guides I’ve been discovering are driving me crazy!

Ok, most of the measurements say take your ribcage measurement, add five, then take your bust size measurement, and subtract bust from rib +5.

If I did that, I would need a 46 A. Not only would it be impossible to find, it would fall off of me. And I’m not anywhere near an A by anybody’s imagination! confused This is the method recommended by Victoria’s Secret and others.

Another method uses the straight rib cage method as your band size. And then you subtract the bust measurement from ribcage measurement.

By this measurement, I am a 40 D. This cup size is too big for me.

If I use my high chest measurement, it is no better. It would also put me in a 40 D (which I have, and they don’t fit right). Or maybe a 38 DD.

I think next I will try a 40 C or a 38 D (which band is snug, maybe a little two snug, but the D cut might make the difference. I have a 42 D where the underwires fit me perfectly but the band is too loose. Maybe I should think about making my own bras. But I don’t want to while I’m still losing weight!

I want to know, how can someone where a bra band 5 inches bigger than one’s ribcage, and have a good fit? Maybe this goes back to the pre-lycra days, when they were unstretchy fabric.

Weight’s doing ok. Lost 5 lbs last week, which scared the heck out of me, but I had been plateauing for 3 weeks. This morning, I get on the scale, I’ve lost another pound, but just 1. Ah.

And as crazy as this week has been, my son has actually been particularly good this week. No problems, done his chores, no girlfriend anxieties, no legal crises. Still hasn't found a job, but we've got one court ordered thingie done - a drug and alcohol evaluation. Seems to be doing pretty good. Needs to have UAs done for the next three months just to keep him honest.

Maturity! The movement from teen into adulthood looks like it's starting to happen...or at least I'm hoping.

eek!

2005-10-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

Didn't realize I had skipped so many days posting.

This morning, I am having an achies flare, not surprising, because there is a front coming in. Puffed up, stiff, and nauseated to boot.

This week has been rather crazy so far. I spent two days looking for a missing partial denture which absolutely disapeered from the house over the weekend. I even looked through the garbage. Still have no idea where it ended up.

Adding to this was the fact that we were transferring my son from one highschool to an alternative school this week. Son had to go take some placement tests Tuesday, but he doesn't start attending until next Tuesday.

Yesterday morning there was a 7:30 trip to the dentist, and learning that it will be two weeks before I even get to do the try in, so if I get them by Thanksgiving I will be lucky.

Then class prep for my catechism class.

My size 18 jeans (a straight 18, not an 18w - an 18 is closer to a 16w in size) are starting to slip down too low. That's a nice thing. If I want to keep wearing them, I'm going to have to buy a belt.

Another week...

2005-10-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow looks to be busy.

Son got a traffic ticket that has to be paid tomorrow, and he lost the citation. He has an orientation at the alternative school he's transferring to. He's got bronchitis and spent most of the weekend sleeping.

Lost another 2 lbs. this week. For awhile there, I was gettting nervous, because I dropped five lbs in less than 10 days. I wasn't doing anything different. Eating carefully around 1300-1400 calories a day. I had plateaued for about 3 weeks, so I am hoping that was just me moving to a new point. First I lost 3 lbs. Then 1 pound each of the next 2 days. Then I started cycling between 190 and 193. This morning, I got on the scale, and I was at 189.8, which is nice. I think I'm more on track, and the mad drop definitely is back to where it ought to be.

Life.

Spent a good part of this afternoon stacking firewood. We had to move our firewood to a more secure stash site in the back yard. We were keeping it in our driveway area, but someone stole a noticable amount one day, so we have moved it. With the price of natural gas this year, I am going to be glad we went for an extra cord. But we're kind of needing to hurry it finished, as we normally get our first snow somewhere near halloween, which is right around the corner.

I am finally working on the body of the sweater I've been knitting. 40 more rows and then the bottom rib stitching. It is going fast. Yay!

Yesterday, I ordered....

2005-10-21T05:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I ordered a pair of pants in 14w. Audacious of me, but then, 16w is the size I'm in now if it's not highwaisted, and it's not too tight.

In my mind, that's too small to associate with myself. I've been size 18 or better almost all of my adult life.

I ordered a coat that's a regular xl, too...not having any winter clothes that fit, I bought a cheap coat here in a man's large, but this is for later, maybe by Christmas.

I'm in the fun situation of rethinking myself, because I am on the verge of something I've never been in my adult life.

Yesterday, I went to a fundraiser luncheon for one of the major cultural centers here. Lunch was a fancy salad. No oil and vinegar, so I used a teaspoon of the dressing provided to moisten it a bit. Passed on the fruit punch. left the strawberry cheesecake untouched. Maintained my new way of eating, and it felt good. New coping strategies. New ways to keep active. New ways of thinking about myself.

It's neat.

Nobody told me...

2005-10-20T07:36:00.000-07:00

Nobody told me that as I lost weight, I would change my gait, which in turn has made my legs hurt!

Of course, what this means is that I have to exercise more to strengthen my leg muscles to keep my kneecaps properly aligned, and to strengthen my abdominals.

Funny how the body can trick us into having to do the right thing (if we listen with the right ears.)

Once again, my wardrobe is starting to get loose. I will probably be replacing everything by Christmas. Today I ordered a pair of 14w jeans, because the 16w aren't really tight, although they fit ok. And a sweater.

I don't know when the last time was when I could wear 16W...1977? It's been a while.

Weigh In day

2005-10-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

Weigh In Stats: Week 28

Weight 192
Chest 38.25
Waist: 36.5
Abdomen: 44.25
Hips: 43
BMI Index: 34

Last month: 196

Chest(not bust) 38 .75
waist 37.5
abdomen 45 .5
hips 43.5
BMI Index 34.7

Original weight 252
Chest (not bust) 45
waist: 47.5
Abdomen started measuring a month into the diet): 52
hips: 52
BMI Index 44.6

Hubby is home...

2005-10-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hubby is home, son made it to his community service today, and the sweater I am knitting is doing well, and my weight is on the low side of the yoyo I've been doing over and over again for the last three weeks.

This pic shows the lace pattern well. I like it.

Hubby's coming home today!

2005-10-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

Yay!

After being sick for two years before I lost the weight, my everyday work and crafting areas had gotten to be a mess, so I am doing a serious fall cleaning and hope I get it finished enough before he gets home.

This is a thing that middleaged weight and health problems and depression do to you. I just couldn't cope. I didn't have the energy and I had too much pain from the bile duct problem and too much depression to get out there and do stuff, and the kids didn't pick up the slack and hubby was working too much.

But having lost a big chunk of the weight, I have more energy to do those yucky things like go through two years of shove it in a corner. Boy, it feels good both to see the results and to be able to get it done.

And this is in spite of my knee hurting and my winter achies starting.

I can do this. I now have what it takes to be able to do this. Wow...I had not realized how much getting too fat and getting too sick had robbed me of.

For about 3 weeks, I pushed my calories up close to the 1400-1500 range from the 1200-1300 range. Haven't lost any weight since i did, although I have been working out and getting a lot accomplished, and my hair seems to be doing well (I have so many factors affecting my hair, I don't know what's triggering the thinness...weightloss, thyroid, menopause, stress) but on the other hand, I don't feel much better and am having a bit more bile problems.

I can't imagine eating 2000 calories any more. My body feels like I'm binging on 1500...O to find the right balance point...between eating so I don't hurt from the tummy troubles and the achies, and the tendency for insulin resistance vs. getting adequate nutrition and having a good body size.

I did start taking some extra supplements, some for what hurts me, some for my skin, some for my general health. I cannot take much in the way of nsaids for the arthritis, because they kill my tummy. Doctor prescribed Mobic, but it hurts every time I take it...so I only take it when I have to take something.

But I still feel better than I did last year! A lot better!

Falling....

2005-10-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

Was a rainy night and a cloudy morning. For awhile there they were talking about a chance for snow, but it never got cool enough, and it just rained.

We can get some serious snow here. Here's a pic I took two novembers ago:

But not yet.

So what's a person with too much time on her hands supposed to do while it's fall? I started knitting a sweater, and reorganizing my craft stash. Seemed reasonable!

Saturday angst....

2005-10-08T06:17:00.000-07:00

Well, we went to court, son got hit with a big fine which he is supposed to pay, not me, and 40 hours of community service, and a drug and alcohol evaluation and to follow the treatment recommendations.

He's got deadlines every step along the way.

This morning, he was supposed to start working on work crew for his community service. He seemed ok with it. Then he didn't come home last night.

No doubt he fell asleep at a friend's house.

On his own head be it. Called one of his friends who was going to call around trying to find him and get him up. He's got about 25 minutes before we have to get leave to get to the crew pickup spot.

I'm not calling him in sick.

As for the diet, I'm in one of those weight loss doldrums. Up 2 lbs, down 2 lbs. Circulating from 197 to 195. I've also started a new exercise regime. Some pilates, a lot of aerobics, a little bit with free weights if my shoulder feels up to it. My knee feels better with it, mostly. Might reflect some muscle building. Might be stress from hubby being out of town. I'm still eating in my range, although I am trying to average 1400 cals instead of 1200 with the increased exercise and the weather changing. Funny, if I eat at a 1400 cal range, I feel like I'm binging sometimes.

Because I'm eating alone mostly, I've been buying lean cuisines and such, so I won't have the temptation to eat too much (leftovers and such), but I am ready for hubby to come home so we can get back on the food types we normally eat.

Cool weather!

2005-10-05T05:29:00.000-07:00

And cool weather munchies!

I ate nearly 1700 calories yesterday. That's a lot for me. I have been exercising every day, and some of that may be my body saying I need more cause I am doing more. Some of it is I always want to eat more when the weather gets cold. That's something I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with.

Time to start with the hot tea. That helps some.

Instead of really munching, I've been house cleaning. Too much time on my hand with husband out of town, so spring cleaning type stuff is a good alternative.

And I'm anxious. This morning, teenager and I go to court for that ticket he got at the beginning of summer.

And this kid who hasn't been through driver's ed because I can't afford to pay his car insurance yet got a driving ticket the other night, trying to drive his friend's car...supposedly his friend was intoxicated - and got an alcohol ticket.

Sigh.

Amazing how we've devised this teen culture that thinks morality, legality and right and wrong don't mean anything when it interferes with what they want to do.

Maybe they were on to something in the old days when kids were apprenticed at 10 or 12, to learn living with adults instead of being crammed into large schools with inadequate supervision.

Fall changes.

2005-10-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

There was snow on the top of the mountain this afternoon. A cool day, high of 58.

Autumn. The hills are red and gold. We may touch freezing one day this week.

I like autumn, but after that is winter, the achy season.

Weight is in the doldrums again. been yoyoing between 197-195 for a week and a half now.

But I did buy some new pants. Jeans in the 16W range instead of the 26W like when I started. That part feels good.

It's so quiet around here with hubby out of town. I actually watched two DVDs last night. That was highly unusual, since I almost never even turn the TV on.

I am starting a new workout schedule. Pilates one day, aerobics the next, a day off with just stretchings. Still working on my sore knee. Doctor wanted me to do isometrics on it. I've added stretches to the mix cause I have learned that problems with hamstrings can make this worse. I've had some problem with that in the past. Knee does seem to be improving some.

Well, hubby is is Mississippi....

2005-09-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

Hubby is off near Hattisburg working at Hurricane Katrina relief. I'm not exactly sure what they are doing, but he will be calling later on this evening, and I will get sort of an insider's point of view.

Been learning all sorts of things about Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome, which I have particularly in my left knee. I think it was kicked up by sitting in a bad position while watching Hurricane Katrina develop.

I have had plantar fastitis and hamstring tightness in the past; I am wondering if this problem has exacerbated this.

So I am studying, stretching, and going to start carefully icing. NSAIDs really hurt my stomach. I have noticed some difference with the exercises on my knee...so maybe I am making progress. Also take glucosamine and chondroiton, and learning to sit at the desk with my foot resting on a step.

I also wonder how much, if any, my weightloss, and the change of gait might have played a role in this.

Good news is I went shopping for pants today. Found out I can wear 16 w stretch jeans, 18 regular stretch jeans, and 18 w woven non-stretch pants.

No wonder my 18W Gloria Vanderbilts are falling off of me. Wow. From a size 26w to a 16w. It's been maybe 30 years since I wore 16w....feels nice.

Now I'm getting to the point where it's getting hard to find pants. Too small for the plus sizes sometimes, but misses sizes can be hard to find too...but this problem won't last forever.

I am tired of crises....

2005-09-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

Life has had more of them than I want to go through with, and I have another next week when my son goes to court after that ticket he got long ago.

Hubby may be going to Texas to work on one of the Incident Command Teams, which means he'll be gone two weeks.

There are a bunch of them working the fire. ICS is a set of protocols to organize response across jurisdictions and government agencies to handle crises. It was developed by wildland firefighters, beginning, I believe in California back in the 80s, but it is a good way to handle getting help to where it is needed.

There are a bunch of people in Incident Command Teams across the hurricane area. From this morning's report:

HURRICANE KATRINA SUPPORT, Federal Emergency Management Agency. Emergency Support Function 4 at the Regional Response Coordination Center in Atlanta, GA, and state Emergency Operations Centers in Jackson, MS, Baton Rouge, LA and Austin, TX are staffed.

Five Type 1 Incident Management Teams (Pincha-Tulley, Gelobter, Krugman, Anderson, Wilcock) are assigned.

Pincha-Tulley: A transfer of command to a Type 2 Incident Management Team (Allen Johnson) will occur today. The Team is operating a base camp at Stennis Space Center, MS, and managing five points of distribution in Hancock County.

Gelobter: Is providing logistical support to FEMA Branches I and II, and public school recovery projects. A new camp for emergency workers is being established at Vancleave, MS. A Logistics Management Team (O’Brien) will replace Gelobter’s Type 1 Incident Management Team.

Krugman: Is providing support to emergency responders, the military and city workers at the Jackson Support Base in the New Orleans French Quarter and at several satellite camps in and around New Orleans and southern Louisiana. Approximately 7,000 personnel continue to be supported at these facilities.

Anderson: Under unified command with New Orleans, New York City and Illinois fire departments, is providing fire and emergency response to the City of New Orleans. Radio repeater systems on high rise buildings are back in service.

Wilcock: Is assessing hazard fuel mitigation and fire suppression needs for counties and adjoining areas in southeast Mississippi. The Team is also establishing a satellite staging area for suppression resources at Wiggins, MS.

Seven Type 2 Incident Management Teams (Smith, Thomas, Paul, Furlong/Gormley, West, Johnson and Houseman) are assigned. Two additional Type 2 Incident Management Teams (Cowin and Dave Johnson) have been ordered.

Smith: Is managing receiving and distribution operations at Purvis, Shelby and Forrest Camps in Mississippi. A Type 2 Incident Management Team (Cowin) has been ordered for a planned transfer of command.

Thomas: Is managing a base camp and supporting more than 1,100 military and civilian first responders at the Naval Construction Battalion Center at Gulfport, MS. A Type 2 Incident Management Team (Dave Johnson) has been ordered for a planned transfer of command.

Paul: Is supporting the Louisiana Interagency Emergency Support Base camp and St. Gabriel Mortuary Support Camp at St. Gabriel and Baton Rouge, LA.

Furlong/Gormley: Is managing the distribution of relief supplies at Camp Beauregard near Pineville, LA. Supply distribution is continuing to affected areas.

West: Is providing logistical and planning support to the FEMA Incident Support Team (IST), and is managing a staging area and supporting emergency response and military personnel at Saints Support Base in New Orleans.

Allen Johnson: A transfer of command from a Type 1 Incident Management Team (Pincha-Tulley) to Johnson’s Type 2 Incident Management Team will occur today. The Team is assigned at Stennis Space Center, MS.

Houseman: The North Carolina State Team is being assigned to Hammond, LA, to work with the state of Louisiana to implement a fire mitigation plan. The Team will also support base camp operations at Hammond.

Two Logistics Management Teams (LMT) (Floyd and Hayes) are assigned. The Teams are operating mobilization centers and trailer staging areas in Bossier City, LA, and Texarkana, AR. Two National Park Service All Risk Teams have been assigned to various areas to assist with hurricane recovery. Three U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service teams are engaged in road clearing, community assistance, and supporting search and rescue operations in Louisiana and Texas.

HURRICANE RITA SUPPORT, Federal Emergency Management Agency. The Regional Response Coordination Center (RRCC) in Austin, TX, is staffed with Emergency Support Function 4 (ESF4) personnel. A Planning Section Team is in place at the RRCC.

Five Type 1 Incident Management Teams (Oltrogge, Sandman Lohrey, Bennett and Sexton) are assigned. A sixth Type 1 Incident Management Team (Custer) has been ordered, and will be assigned to Beaumont, TX.

Oltrogge: The Team is assigned at Lufkin, TX, operating a receiving and distribution center and base camp. The Team is working with and supporting Texas State Forest Service personnel.

Sandman: Is managing base camp operations and long term support at several facilities in San Antonio, TX. The Team continues to provide assistance to the City of San Antonio in their mission to support and assist current hurricane evacuees. The camp continues to receive new evacuees.

Lohrey: Is assigned at Beaumont TX. The Team is supporting numerous point of distribution centers and two Emergency Operations Centers in Beaumont and Port Arthur. A base camp at Ford Park Arena is being developed.

Bennett: Is relocating to Beaumont, TX, pending assignment.

Sexton: The Team is assigned to Lake Charles, LA. The Team, in cooperation with the Pennsylvania National Guard, is supporting the Lake Charles Regional Staging Area (RSA) and points of distribution sites in Sulphur, Moss Bluff, and Lake Charles, LA.

Six Type 2 Incident Management Teams (Sinclear, Quesinberry, Saleen, Larsen, Rogers and Stanford) are assigned.

Sinclear: The Team is operating a receiving and distribution center at Ft. Sam Houston in San Antonio, TX.

Quesinberry: The Team is awaiting assignment at Lufkin, TX.

Saleen: Is being assigned to Jennings, LA, to establish a receiving and distribution center. A 1,000 person camp is being set up at Jennings Airport.

Larsen: Is being assigned to Lafayette, LA, to establish a receiving and distribution center.

Rogers: Is in place at the Astrodome in Houston to establish a base camp and receiving and distribution center, and supporting emergency personnel.

Stanford: The Texas State Incident Management Team has relocated to Texas to support Hurricane Rita recovery operations.

There are about 16 national level type one teams out there, and 9 of them are working with the hurricane relief.

From the USFS Fire and Aviation News page:

Highlights
There are 32 Type 2 crews, 21 Type 2 IA crews, 26 Type 1 crews, and 50 camp crews (129 crews total), 2,491 overhead (command and non-crew specialists), totaling approximately 5,100 personnel on the incident. While work continues on Katrina response, requests for assistance in Texas and southwestern Louisiana are increasing. Crews are contending with high temperatures and humidity; coupled with strenuous outdoor activity, which increases risks of heat-related illnesses. On Monday, a worker in Texas experienced a heat stroke and had to be taken to a hospital. On Tuesday, Safety officers reminded all teams to monitor their fluid intake and take necessary precautions. Because hurricanes leave behind downed trees and other woody debris, impacted areas often experience a high risk of wildland fire in the months following the storm. Plans are being made in all three affected states for long-range fire readiness and prevention.

(bolding added).

Lots of response.

Heard from or about everybody ...

2005-09-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

All my close family down in the Houston area or Louisiana...Nieces made it, one went to a shelter, another was with her husband in the north part of Houston. Brother at grandma's house; took him 8 hours to get from north Houston to Lufkin. Grandma didn't have too much weather.

That makes me feel much better.

Another Poem, another lost pound, and worries for my family

2005-09-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

Haven't heard from my brother or nieces...wish someone would give me a call or drop me an email...

Down to 195. 57 lbs. It's important, but it seems petty to crow about it.

Poem: Crescendo

It starts soft,
often with a lovely sky,
and then feel air change,
the winds speed.
Racing clouds speed overhead,
not like those in a thunderstorm,
but streaming,
like the bands of chaos,
swirling towards the center.
Grey light, almost black at times.
And the roaring of the wind,
no sound exactly like that,
a polyphloesboean voice
tearing at your nerves, your ears, your home,
crescendoing
as you huddle there, waiting, longing for silence,
for no wind,
for peace,
then bit by bit,
the winds relax,
at first, you don't believe it,
but then, you untwist,
stand up,
look around you,
and see what the winds have done.

Evanescent

2005-09-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

Storms are evanescent,
Fading from the scene,
ephemeral,
boiling up fast
in their winds and rain and rage,
but soon gone,
disapating,
departed.

Looking only at the sky,
we could be amazed that anything has happened.

But after the storm has passed,
and we see the results,
broken buildings,
broken hopes,
and broken lives,
we are left with the non-evanescent reality
that something that lasts days
can affect us for years.

Hard to believe...

2005-09-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law's family was hit hard by Hurricane Katrina...one of her daughters lost her home, and so did her sister and brother. One of my best friends had to move to Kentucky, and I still haven't found out if another one of my friends is alive...

Now Hurricane Rita is heading their way. I have lots of family and friends in the track of this storm.

May they all get out of harm's way in time. My brother is going to my grandma's in north Louisiana. I hope all my cousins do something as smart.

Weigh In

2005-09-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

Current weight: 196

Chest(not bust) 38 .75
waist 37.5
abdomen 45 .5
hips 43.5

Original weight 252 Chest (not bust) 45
waist: 47.5
Abdomen started measuring a month into the diet): 52
hips: 52

About week 24, although I have lost track! I'll have to go back to my food diaries and recount.

Friday evening

2005-09-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

Welp, today I spent the day cataloging articles mostly about silvaculture and environmental policy and managment issues for the library I am volunteering at.

If I knew what I knew now, and this was 25 years ago when I started college, I would switch majors to library science, I think. I didn't know how much I would enjoy doing this.

My knee still hurts. I do the isometrics the doctor asked me to do several times during the day, but I guess it's just going to take time.

The weather has been drop-dead gorgeous...the way it only gets in the fall - beautiful sweet light, not too hot, not too cold, clear air, low humidity.

It's a good thing the weather is nice. I went and tried on some of my old winter clothes. Way, way tooo big. Even my Jones of NY jacket...sigh. I loved that jacket..but it was a size 24 w. I'm wearing size 16 w jackets now.

I'm tired. But a good tired.

Fall is here....

2005-09-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had a cold front come through that put snow on the mountains. Not a lot, mind you, but enough to see where the snow is.

This pic was taken later in the year two years ago, but it gives you an idea of how glorious the mountains can look.

I'm looking forward to that, but not to the snow.

But it's too early to snow, because my mums haven't bloomed yet. They are usually the last thing to bloom in my garden, and they always get snowed on before they are bloomed out.

I decided I needed some cool weather clothes last Saturday. Good thing I did, because by Monday morning it was cold enough to need them.

My fifth grade catechism class starts in earnest tomorrow. At the end of last year they didn't think there were going to be any students at all for Wednesday class, but seven students popped out of the woodwork. So once again my Wednesdays will be filled.

There's color in the hills. Pretty soon it will look as good as this pic!

Life is crazy...

2005-09-12T17:10:00.000-07:00

My son admitted to me this weekend he has a drinking problem, and has in the past been a stoner. Oy veh!

Of course, admitting is the first step, and we organized some evaluation and counselling to see the next step.

He also had enough problems this weekend to be ready to try an alternative school scenario. Well, maybe. Might be a breakthrough.

Wrote this poem this morning. I hand out with a small group of people who pass out a word for the day to write about. The word today was apocryphal.

Sing o Muse,
of the wrath of Katrina,
and the damage she wrought
both wide and far,
and the legends she spun,
the memes apocryphal,
of racism and toxicity
and death and deep waters.
And yet when dawn
shows her fingertips of rose,
will we not find
that though the myth
was worse than the reality,
the reality is bad enough
for legends of its own.

Don't know why Homer popped into my head. I am feeling sad. Two people I talked to yesterday didn't know who Jonathan Swift was. These were educated people, and although Swift isn't the number one person in English lit, people should associate that name with Gulliver's Travels at least...

Today I feel trapped in one of Elliot's poems...

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

And there I am...longing for a life of quiet and scholarship and no more high drama, and the only teenage angst would be memories of my own not easy transition into adulthood...ah well...life is what it is. Who knows where it will be by this time next year?

Prayer on 9/11

2005-09-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

I

Hear my prayer, O Lord,
and let my cry come unto thee,
and hear the voice of your children,
all those burdened
with death unexpected,
the dead, the dying, the survivors,
the blood of victims
here,
then,
throughout time
since Abel's blood first cried to you.

II
The Day

For some it was
a day to celebrate,
a day that a little David
brought down
a mighty Goliath.
that symbol of sin and oppression,
who would strip them of God
and truth and opportunity
and tear their world apart
and try to keep them
ground under it's thumb forever.

For some it was
the day life turned to ashes,
drifting in white dusty smoke
coating the survivors
as they groped,
ghostlike,
trying to find the light.

For some it was
children searching for fathers
now pulverized
beneath an unbelievable wreakage.
wives looking for husband
husbands crying for their wives,
voicemail messages played over and over,
the last quick message,
a final goodbye,
the last connection
before the unthinkable.

III

Lord have mercy.
Christ have mercy.
Lord have mercy.

For the hardness of our heart
Forgive us, O Lord.

For the passing of our wrongs down to our children,
Forgive us, O Lord.

For the celebration of the death of our enemies,
Forgive us, O Lord.

For choosing to nurse our hate rather than be reconciled with our neighbor,
Forgive us O Lord.

IV

Words.
Words were spoken,
and soon,
reality is warped into the image
cast by words.

The words were spoken
twisting peace into hate,
twisting plowshares into swords,
twisting buildings of people into rubble and ruin.

Where are the words
to ease the pain
of a woman who has lost her child?
In the anger of hate,
is she real
or just a counter?

Where are the words
to fill the heart
of a husband who lost his wife?
Is his loss
justified
by the blow against the enemy?

Where are the words
to fill the lives
of the newly orphaned?
Are their shattered lives
able to heal
the twisting of others' hearts?

V

Dear Lord,
This day, let me commend to you
all those killed
in hatred,
whether by sword,
stone,
scapel,
poison,
bullet,
bomb.
This day I commend to you
victims chosen
to terrorize the surviving,
children,
beloveds,
friends,
coworkers,
strangers.

And on this anniversary
of the evil that man willingly does to others,
teach us not to hate,
but to break the chains
that try to drag us down into the pit
one word at a time
one refusal to hate at a time,
one reaching out to those in need at a time,
one willingness to walk in your steps at a time.

Amen.

What a difference a year can make!

2005-09-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

I reenact the 1780s-1790s. Here I am at the Ft. Bridger Rendevous last year and this year. Same costume, same location, 12 months apart

What fun....(not!)

2005-09-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

I found out today that I have Chondromalacia Patella, that is my kneecap is out of alignment and causing problems. According to one of the medical sites, it can be defined thus:

Chondromalacia Patella is often used by physicians as a catch-all term to describe anterior knee pain that results from patellar malalignment. The strict definition, however, is simply the degeneration of the cartilage on the posterior aspect of the kneecap.

Over the last week my left knee has been really hurting, and getting worse. It wakes me up during the night. It hurts going down the stairs. It hurts changing from bent knee to straight knee. It pops with a kind of grinding feeling when it didn't do this last week.

Classic symptoms.

Doctor gave me a drug called Mobic for the inflammation. I have trouble with large dose NSAIDs...they eat my tummy up. One dose hurt and had me running for the acid blockers...

Ginger for the next few days, I can see. And Protonix. Leg exercises to get my quadriceps in gear. And no high heels (boohoo!) - at least not to walk in. And I may pull out my danner hiking boots. They are good shock absorbers.

Last week I sat in the wrong chair watching all that hurricane coverage. It no doubt was the straw that busted the camel's knee-cap.

This time I was being so careful not to do things to hurt my leg, just some walking. I have injured myself twice trying to get into shape in the last few years. Can't ride my exercise bike cause it hurts my knees. Can't run on the treadmill cause it hurts my feet. I need a gym that has a pool so I can swim laps or something.

Leg lifts and isometric exercises, sore stomach lining and night pain it is for awhile. Yuck.

And grouse season opens this weekend, and I was wanting to see how much better I climbed up that long three mile in, 1000 ft up walk this year to the place we like to go. Rest of the year the place we go is either filled with sheep or snow. And it's so pretty once the aspens start turning color, and magical when they start dropping their leaves.

I am not happy. But at least it wasn't a torn ligament.

I have read that people who are obese have a different walk than thinner people. Could be this is also a sign of how my walk is starting to shift. Hope the exercise gets it corrected.

Weigh in

2005-09-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

Current weight: 199

Chest(not bust) 38 3/4
waist 38
abdomen 45 1/2
hips 44

Original weight 252

Chest (not bust) 45
waist: 47.5
Abdomen started measuring a month into the diet): 52
hips: 52

(Ok, I like to keep repeating those initial stats because it pleases me that every part of my body is now smaller than my smallest original measurement.

Well, I plateaued for three weeks then zoom. 4 lbs. gone. I am not starving. I eat an average of somewhere between 1300-1400 calories daily. I work hard to keep a balance, with lots of green stuff, protein, not too much fat since I make gall stones (boy does that keep me honest on the fat issue!), and restricting of carbs.

When I started, I couldn't eat much over 100 cals of a high carb food like bread at a time without getting the craves. Now that I have lost more weight, I can handle two slices of bread at a time, which means I can have a sandwich for lunch on something besides a small hamburger bun.

I do feel better. My right knee was starting to hurt much of the time when I started. Now it very seldom does. I'll know more as we get into winter!

Milestones

2005-09-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

I did finally make it to 199. Below 200 at last, although the news has been so sad from New Orleans I haven't really felt like crowing.

I have sort of set me a wish/goal for Christmas of 185. Don't really care if I make it by then or before then, but it will be sort of the next milestone to reach for. Hopefully, by that time there will be more to celebrate!

Ghostwatch

2005-09-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

Impuissance mixed with hubris,
swirling in the dark waters over yellow bus hoods,
Bodies as powerless as some leaders await their turn,
victims of death from negligence,
cost analysis,
cold decisions
aided by lawyers.
Trapped in attics
dark,
sweltering,
longing for water,
waiting to drown,
did they realize that someone, once upon a time,
decided they were too much trouble to save?

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans?

2005-09-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

What you lose is standing on the Moonwalk at 9 am on a late March morning, when the light is sweet, next to the crepe myrtles, smelling the coffee from Cafe du Monde as you watch the huge swell of the Mississippi flow down.

Turning around, you walk down past the artists setting up for a day's work of painting tourists and canned scenes that will grace the living rooms in Missoula and Omaha, down to Royal Street, where shop owners are washing the sidewalks and getting ready for the day.

What you miss the riding the streetcar uptown, old, wooden and filled with memories, past the CB, past that wild area of rich and poor intermingled while the azaleas bloom pink with spring promise past antebellum mansions that are rundown apartment buildings, but still shine with the glimmer of their past.

What you miss is seeing all the churches, built with great sacrifice and care by poor working men and women who really believed.

What you miss is the taste of boiled crawfish eaten off newspapers at a picnic in City Park.

What you miss is Friday night at the ER at Charity Hospital, where the walking wounded and the almost dead mix for hours with the aches and pains and illnesses that man is subject to, all hoping for help.

What you miss is the music percolating through the city, Jazz and Zydeco and everything else.

What you miss is the taste of coffee and chichory, heavy with milk.

What you miss is the cries at graduation at Delgado Community Collge as sometimes the first member of a family ever gets their associates degree.

What you miss is the bread.

What you miss is the light.

What you miss is home.

Comment box spam

2005-09-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

I got one piece of comment box spam too many. I turned on word verification to post comments. Sorry if you find this a pain, but they are getting a lot more agressive with this lately.

Been focused on the storm...

2005-09-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

and went to a reenactment yesterday (something scheduled a year in advance and that I didn't feel right not going to, although it wasn't the most pleasant trip - I have sprained my knee and was having one of those days where if I picked something up, four things would jump off the shelf.)

Someone stole about a sixth of a cord of wood out of our woodpile while we were gone. Hubby suspects son's friends.

I found out that the son of one of my girl friends who passed away years ago made it out of the storm area. I think the house he was raised in (and is still in the family, I see, from the phone number there, so maybe he lived in it) was under water.

The only non-family person outside of one friend who emails me regularly that I have confirmed made it out alive. But that's the nature of the disaster, it's hard to know who made it for a while. I suspect more names will pop up.

2005-08-31T06:11:00.000-07:00

O waters lapping at most of my life's memories,
thou art accursed,
evil,
swirling away my hopes for tomorrow,
my dreams,
the lives and dreams of so many.
Can there be enough tears
to curse these winds,
these rains?
The broken roads,
the smashed buildings,
the bodies found in rubble,
in trees,
in attics
speak out my curse,
my anguish,
my loss.
My loss,
their loss,
your loss,
wrapped up in wet, splintered wood,
broken trees
and flames upon the waters.
La Belle Nouvelle Orleans
Je t'aime toujours,
Je pleurerai toujours la pensée à vous.

I am watching and reading the news, dumbfounded.

2005-08-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

I lived in that city almost 30 years. I have been down Highway 90 well into Florida, and know what those ocean front cities are supposed to look like, the light, wonderful in the summer, the smell of the water, the feel of the sand.

O, my heart aches. I see places I lived under water. Places I walked to or along or shopped at shattered.

O my city, my home, where my heart has been in the 12 years of my wanderings away. I remember still the first time I rode into town, and remember why and how I left.

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans? O God, yes.

I don't know what I will do yet, but I have to do something.

2005-08-30T06:07:00.000-07:00

Like a knife,
the lacuna came,
storm driven,
the gap,
the missing place.
Where is the roof of that building?
Where is the tree that stood here?
Where is the wife, pulled away by the water?

Windblown and wave washed,
a lacuna of the heart and memory,
written in disaster.

Stayed up all night watching the storm news...

2005-08-29T04:59:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Katrina, that is. I lived in New Orleans for 28 years, and it's still home. Slept 2 hours cause I had to have a nap.

Storm's not over yet.

Caught teenager smoking on the back porch last night. I could wring his neck.

But, on a good note, today I reached 202. That makes it an even 50 lbs. When I lose another 14 lbs. I will be halfway to my weight goal. Another 3 pounds, and I will be below 200, and that will be a day I buy myself some new clothes to celebrate!

Weigh -in Day

2005-08-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

This is the end of month 5, start of month 6

This week:

Weight: 203
Chest: 39.25
Waist: 38.5
Abdomen: 46.75
Hips: 44

(lost 4 lbs for the month - one lb shy of 50 lb lost!)

Last week:
weight 205

chest 39.5 (not bust)
waist 38.75
abdomen 47
hips 44.5

last month:
weight: 207
chest: 39.75
waist 39
abdomen 47
hips 44.5

original weights/measurements:

Original weight 252

Chest (not bust) 45
waist: 47.5
Abdomen started measuring a month into the diet): 52
hips: 52

It was a rough week...

2005-08-27T06:42:00.000-07:00

A rough week, but over.

Dog, for the third Friday in a row was able to get out of the house and out the back yard, but she was found by a person who lives two houses down and didn't get very far away!

Today, I am going to change the way we lock the sliding door or figure out a way to gate it that son cannot mishandle so she manages to get out.

Son, the evening of my birthday, turns up with a large tattoo, which he did not have permission to get. He justified it by seeing it as a memorial to his dead birthmother and sister. When I told him that when you do something wrong to honor the memory of your loved ones, it doesn't honor them, he heard "You are telling me I don't love my birth mom and sister." Oy veh. I saw red cause I had told him flat out not to do it, it's illegal in this state for a 17 year old to get a tattoo without parental permission, and it's something I had told him point blank he couldn't do until he was 18.

But son has this way of justifying everything he does any more, especially around holidays and special occasions. This is a common thing for kids who are dealing with grief, and ptsd. This one actually may be a sign of him trying to deal with the deaths, since when he gets it finished, it's supposed to have his birth mom's and sister's names in roses with the date.

But oh! Dealing with holidays and special occasions is becoming something I dread.

The day was not a fun day. I had to take medicine for my stomach pain that made me sleep the afternoon away. I didn't get to go to the mall, I didn't get my manicure and pedicure done, and I am coping with such weariness.

At least work at the library is going well. I am learning more about how to choose keywords when cataloging. Yesterday, I got to type up a bibliography of works by a man who worked for a Forest Service research station back in the 30s and 4os for someone doing research on him... it's interesting to see what people were concerned about in land management then (especially in his case, how to improve grazing lands), and how old some journals are, like Ecology. It began publishing long, long before it was a household word.

It's such a peaceful, different world, working in the library. I need outlets like that - scholarly, calm and where I feel successful. I quit work when I got married because the boys needed a sahm, and they really did, but now, this is sort of my way back into the working world. It's volunteer, but it will be current work experience. And it's good for my psyche.

Thoughts for the day

2005-08-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

Well, friends, today I cross that big 5-0 boundary...but it's also Sean Connery's birthday while we're at it, who is exactly 25 years older than I. And on a more upright note, today is the 100th birthday of St. Faustina Kowalska, who died in 1938, but is one of my favorite 20th century saints. I only discovered she was my birthday cousin years after I learned about her story.

Anyway, today also is the birthday of Regis Philbin and Tim Burton, Elvis Costello and the lovely Claudia Schiffer.

I am in interesting company with by birthday cousins!

Yesterday, the problems I have with my digestive tract flaired up, and my meds didn't take it down, so I went to ER to make sure it wasn't a heart attack. I get spasms involving my bile duct. Hurts in the same areas as heart problems, though, and since women's heart attacks are sneaky, and the meds didn't work as normally they do, I wanted to be safe. It wasn't cardiac, the pain backed down about the time I got all the bells and whistles in ER, but it reminded me of the frailty of life.

My mother only lived 13 years after her 50th birthday. But one of my grandmother lived 46, and the other is still alive and kicking. Life can be fragile, but it is often tenacious, too. And while you are alive, you have the opportunity to touch someone in a good way, heal a pain, say the right word - or be the pits. I prefer the first alternative, sometimes I behave like the second, but that's life. We just pick up the pieces and keep trying.

Because it's my bd, I am going to have something chocolaty today. But not in huge quantities, and not to be brought home (between my tummy and my diet, I just don't think I want to deal with the side effects of overindulging). But it is a milestone! And I want to commemorate it.

Home spa day. And this time, for real.

Tomorrow school begins.

2005-08-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'm happy about it or not.

At least it should mean son gets back on a more regular schedule. And that's a good thing.

But it definitely means the season is changing. One last year before adulthood smacks my son in the head.

But it also means autumn hikes in the mountain, and grouse season and aspen turning golden.

And gives me plenty of time to figure out what I am going to refuse to cook for thanksgiving.

Change

2005-08-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

Winter, winter whispers
as aspen leaves turn into gold,
Brilliant moment in the sunshine
to let us know the year's grown old.

Soon the leaves will be falling
like golden snow upon the way,
Vita brevis in the sunshine,
Momento mori touched with clay.

And yet, with every scar from falling leaf
next year's bud waits patiently
through snow and gray and winter's barrens
to leaf out green when time to be.

Alright. Not sure where that one came from...The leaves really are just beginning the very earliest transitions around here, and you have to know what to look for to see it. My mums haven't bloomed yet. Usually right after they bloom, the first snow hits. Yet still, the air, the light, the season says "Autumn is knocking at the door."

And so it is.

Sick Day and mental escape

2005-08-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

Last night, my husband noticed my moodiness.

He decided we had to go out to dinner.

I got a greek salad, but I didn't realize it was the style with no greens - just cuke, peppers, onions tomatoes, feta and olives.

Oh, I got them to bring me some lettuce, but it was still too much onion for me. (and I didn't even use the salad dressing).

My body is having its revenge from the stress, anger and irritation of the last two weekends, no doubt.

I need a day to unwind, to do all those lady rituals like touch up my hair color, give myself a facial, and exfolliate my feet, and such stuff, put on my favorite celtic or classical music and relax. I need my son not to let the dog escape again.

We were supposed to do fun things yesterday, and it didn't happen. Yesterday was the pits. Today I am too sick to do anything. Tomorrow I'm expected to feel like chauffering son to his therapist.

There's a place not more than 50 miles from here that has a lovely stream that looks like this...not very deep, except for holes where the trout tend to hang out, but the water is very cold, like many mountain streams.

We ford a place that looks like this, usually in hip waders because it is cold. Beyond the stream is a trailhead that parallels two intermittent streams up to the top of the mountain, which is more a plateau on top, with ridges that peek out above the plateau. There's a spring up there. It's about three miles in from the road and a thousand feet up. As the autumn grows deeper, the spring sometimes is visted by huge flocks of robins, coming in for a drink. I was amazed how many robins hang out there. Once at the spring, I saw a mule deer doe with two younger does, no doubt her daughters following behind as they came to get a drink. It's rare for the deer to get seen in the early fall. They don't normally come down until the snows start. There are a lot of elk in the area too, but I haven't seen more than their signs so far.

There's a place on the trail up filled with aspen, and when the leaves start to fall, it looks magical for a week or two.

We also see blue and ruffed forest grouse up there, which is often our excuse to go up the trail.

I am looking forward to hiking it again. Right now, before the hunting season starts, it's filled with cattle and sheep, because it's got some good pasture in the mountains. But in a couple of weeks, they will be herding the animals off, and it will be left to people like me, to escape from the everyday in a long hard walk up the mountain.

But I like it. There's a point when you're walking up, that you realize that you can see more of the next mountain across the valley than you realized was there, if you were only on the valley floor. It's a breathtaking view, but you have to work for it.

Something to look forward to.

Moody.

2005-08-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

I remember that day,
that last summer's day,
our last moment on the coast.

I took off my shoes to walk barefoot in the sand,
to feel that reality,
that point where sea, earth and sky meet,
one more time,
even though the air was cool
and the water cold,
not like the seashore where I grew up,
but still,
here you were, Ocean,
and I had missed you.

The lighthouse up on the rocks gleamed white,
while children tried to dam
a solitary trickle, not even a rivulet,
with wet sand.

I remember how bright the light was,
just like another day on a Texas beach,
wading in the water,
the water warm and bright,
that too was a last moment,
my last time fishing there,
only catching memories.

I miss you, Ocean,
and your fickle, demanding ways,
your mystery,
and your depth,
your promise.
Someday, perhaps, the desert will let me go,
and I will walk along your waters,
and know I am home.
_______

Today I am uneasy, and moody, and wistful.

I keep thinking of the songs "Love Reign O'er Me" by the Who from Quadrophenia, and Black Water by the Doobie Brothers.

Well, I built me a raft and she’s ready for floatin’
Ol’ Mississippi, she’s callin’ my name
Catfish are jumpin’
That paddle wheel thumpin’
Black water keeps rollin’ on past just the same.

Homesick for the past?
Son let a friend sleep over without permission, and his mom called looking for her son.

Only love
Can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky.
Only love
Can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high.

We had a talk. It seems to have worked for the moment. We talked about the differences between how we behave and how we feel on the inside, and how things pile up.

Something clicked for him, I think. He actually cleaned up his room this afternoon.

The season here is changing...the light looks like early autumn, and school starts this week.

Time, time, time, see what’s become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Almost, not quite.

The Runaway Returneth

2005-08-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I decided to get out of the house for a little while, and something delayed us a few minutes, but because of that delay, right as we got around the corner, there we saw my runaway dog, just rounding the corner herself, wet and stinky from swimming in somebody's pond or something, so we got her home.

Interesting how things work out sometimes.

Then we went out for dinner, and we had a lovely time, which we both needed.

Now I am tired.

I was having a lovely day...

2005-08-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

Dropped another pound, had a very pleasant morning at the library, then I come home.

I come home, the dog had opened the sliding glass door. Son had opened it up, no doubt to let one of the dogs out, and did not put the block we keep there just for that reason back into place.

She's gone again. My Hunter doggie.

He left his bedding all over the living room (slept on the sofa last night), the dishes undone, his myspace account up on his dad's computer, and all I want to do is run away.

I am so, so tired. Two weeks in a row?

I just want to run away. It is so exhausting to go through this time after time. My husband is so stressed, and although he doesn't tell son about it, he's down (disapointed? Distressed, worried, anxious? Maybe all at once) about the stupid phase both of them are going through.

It breaks my heart.

And now when I most want to go screaming off the handle, I want to hold on and stay in control at least until he feels a little better.

Weigh in day

2005-08-18T05:24:00.000-07:00

weight 205

chest 39.5 (not bust)
waist 38.75
abdomen 47
hips 44.5

last month:
weight: 207
chest: 39.75
waist 39
abdomen 47
hips 44.5

original weights/measurements:

Original weight 252

Chest (not bust) 45
waist: 47.5
Abdomen started measuring a month into the diet): 52
hips: 52

Since most of last month was weightloss stagnant, not surprising to see little loss on the measurements, but still, it's a lot nicer than my original set!!

Something else to notice here: My abdomen measurement is now smaller than my waist was when I started this. Now that's a cool thought....

Too much of this, too much of that...and I'm tired.

2005-08-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

Two nights up late and I am spending a sleepy afternoon.

My weight finally budged. Not only did it stop going up 4 pounds, down four pounds, I dropped another pound. 47 of them babies have gone byebye.

Today, my son registered for school. I hate that he won't try an alternative school program. He has had bad experiences at this school for two years in a row, and has developed a reputation with teachers and students.

One day he will have to do something about that chip on his shoulder. Pride that interferes with you doing good things for yourself less it spoil your image and depression are not a good combination.

But a friend of mine was having medical tests done today, and the technician was one of my former students from way back when. He told my friend about how I was a fantastic teacher. That made me feel a lot better. At least sometimes, I can get through and make a difference. There were times my son was making me doubt that.

Late, late posting...

2005-08-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

Let's see. Doggie's home, Son is back on his meds, but still running off every afternoon until late, my pretty white cropped pants are too big for me, and I need to get some new ones, I broke both the fingernails on my ring fingers this evening, don't ask me how, and I drank too much coffee this evening, which is probably why I am not asleep.

But for the first time in awhile, my weight was 206 two days in a row...that was really pleasant.

My hubby was telling me tonight how I look like 1/3 of the woman I was this time last year. It's not that much change, but it does feel nice that he would say that. He's been most supportive of me, and has lost some weight, too, cause I fix the same stuff for him that I eat, although there is more for him than I eat. I do give him exactly the same portions to start with though as I put on my plate, and then let him have more if he wants it.

But somehow, even with the good in my life, I feel bluesy...Is it my birthday coming a week from Thursday? I turn 50, and that may be part of it. Retrospection and thinking about the years so far. Now that son is old enough, I really want to go back to work, and that's intimidating after being out of the job market so long. I'm doing volunteer work at a library, and it's made me itchy to be back in the job force. But on the other hand, husband may be doing retirement next year (a situation where job may be (this is not certain, though) phased out about the time he is minimally eligible to retire.)

Mostly, we are standing on the brink of transitions. Empty nest is approaching, and decisions about what to do next are coming up, and with son probably not having enough credits to graduate on schedule, lots of uncertainty and fretting is going on too...I've always been one to be anxious about approaching change, even when I want it. Transitions. It looks to be an interesting year.

Amazing!

2005-08-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

My AWOL doggie is home! She was sitting on the front porch when we opened the door a few minutes ago. This is a dog who never has come home by herself before....I am so happy!

Yoyo yoyo yoyo

2005-08-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I stepped on the scale. I weighed 210.5 This morning I stepped on the scale I weighed 206.7. I feel like a yoyo. This is the third or fourth time in the last three weeks I went up to 210 and then back down into the 206 range. Usually it takes 2 or three days. This is the first time I think it happened in one day.

But now I know why I had to make so many pit stops yesterday!

I have started taking some herbal supplements:

Saw Palmetto, cause I have signs of PCOS, and that helps suppress androgens.
Red Clover, Schizandra, Alfafa which help support the endocrine system and schizandra tends to work like a tonic on the cardiovascular system as well, so it is reported.
Alpha lipoic acid, chromium and fenugreek which help with the blood sugars and fat/sugar functions.
Fennel for my tummy.
CLA

I know from past experience that Fenugreek tends to make me feel better for some reason when I take it, and fennel seems to help achies as well as my tummy. Research does link things like chromium and alpha lipoic acid and calcium to weight loss. I take a good bit of calcium in chewable supplements every day, as well as eating yogurt daily.

I've taken these before. I want to see if going back on them makes a difference. Did take them yesterday. They may have had a diuretic effect.

Also, I have stocked up on Lipton's diet Green Tea with Citrus Flavors. Green tea is also linked to weight loss and is a great anti-oxidant. I like these teas because they are bottled, and I can take them with me when I go to work at the library.

Son has acted reasonably good today. I am thinking of another game plan. If he wants to be the guy in charge of himself, I will require him to act responsibly about things. Since he decided to go to his brother's instead of pre-registering for classes at the hs, then he can call tomorrow and get the info about what to do about late registration. If he wants to act like an adult about some things, I am going to expect him to act like an adult about the other things.

My dog is still AWOL. She was from a champion bloodline, and would cost over $1000 to replace from the same breeder we got her mother from (who is too old to breed again.) I haven't bugged him about that aspect, because at this time, there's no way he could replace her (it was his negligence that lost her) but it has made me think about how to encourage him to be responsible more and more, since that is the other side of the equation.

But I did buy some new boots yesterday. It was really nice that I could zip up a regular leg boot without having to go to an extra-sized leg. My calves have always been so big, that this was a neat discovery! And they're Rampage boots that I got on close out and they ended up costing me $15. A lucky find.

Rough Day

2005-08-12T16:49:00.000-07:00

Today, I came home from the library, and my son is gone (not surprising, I really didn't expect him to be home), and the front door behind the glass open, his pillow and sheet on the sofa (where he's been sleeping lately cause his room heats up) instead of the cover I have to protect it from the dogs sitting on it, none of his chores done, and one of my dogs is missing.

Hunter's an escape artist. She is notorious for finding holes under the fence where no one suspects them. When you let her out, you have to escort her or she may very well disapeer. She's also going into heat, which gives her more of an urge to run. To make things more interesting, we've also been told by the city fathers if they find her out again, we will have to go to court and pay court costs for an out of control animal.

I am worried about her. She's a beautiful pedigree golden retriever from a champion blood line. She never met a person she didn't like. She was in one accident as a pup because of her running away tendencies, but got lucky. She did have a name tag with our phone number on the collar but we haven't gotten any calls, not from Animal Control or someone who found her. I wonder if she lost her phone tag?

Son, who went to his brother's without taking his meds still hasn't taken his meds. They are for depression. This is three full days without them. Oy veh! I can see crises on the horizon!

He's at an elevated risk for convulsions from cold turkeying on one of those meds. And he came home from his brother's especially last night to take his meds. And he didn't take them.

I don't know which of my babies to cry for. Both of them, I guess!

I think at times....

2005-08-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

I think at times that my sanity has shrunk and blown away, or perhaps I'm just tired.

Son, who hasn't taken his psychoactive meds today wanted Hubby to drop them off to him. He is staying with his brother who lives probably about 55 miles from here. Hubby had a hard day and worked extra long. Son called and Dad told him to take the bus and come get his meds. Son said he didn't want to come home yet, that it would take 3 1/2 hours to get here (maybe. I don't know, but I know this area has an amazingly good transit system.) His dad told him it would take nearly that long to drive down there and back, and then told hm that this is what he should do if he wanted his medicine.

Hubby says it's time to let him take the consequences of his actions.

I'm nervous, because these are his anti-depressant meds, and it may push him into a phase where we go back to the mental health facility.

But again, it may not.

Son is now on the verge of adulthood. Older son is learning what that means (in other words, he's broke, and took awhile getting to work, and things are catching up with him. Cut bait or fish time, or move back home, and he really, really doesn't want to do that. We'll see if that helps him get it together.)

But on the other hand, the last few weeks, younger son has been setting himself up to fail. Is this just another example of that?

1300 calories today. I am plateaued out, but that's not an excuse to break eating patterns, especially since I eat that way to feel better. And I do.

I still haven't taken the time to do my spa day, and I really meant to and need it. Ah life. Maybe after I get back from the library tomorrow. Pedicure, manicure and facial. Hair (conditioning time). I really would feel better if I took the time to do that.

But I did get my Modesty's Closet website up (about modesty and fashion and style - www.modestyscloset.com will get you to an index page that takes you to the website). It needs more development, but its good enough to start.

Tomorrow, I go back to the library I have been volunteering at and get a complete change of pace. While I am cataloging articles about forestry, it will be nice to pretend I have my sanity back!

Wednesday....

2005-08-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is my rest day (sort of.) My spa at home day (sort of). My catch up with the laundry day (very important). My pedicure/manicure day. And to start it all off, my clean up the bathroom day! (much nicer to do the other stuff in a clean bathroom).

I need it.

Yesterday, son comes in to tell me that he feels like he has nothing left. He lost his skateboard, his watch, his sunglasses, the hat he got in Seattle with the Matrix Company logo (I am assuming they sell things to skateboarders. Almost all the logo'ed clothes he wears is skateboard related.) He lost his job, and all the friends he wants to hang with hate him, and the ones that want to hang with him he hates.

Sounds like depression time - and after losing his job and being in a not really able to be expressed anger fest at his old girlfriend who dumped him while he was at his aunt's in July, he has reason to feel depressed.

Skateboarding is one of the few things he likes to do that lets him release tension. So I took him to the local Zumiez (a store that sells boards and other related stuff), and got him a new board. Deck, trucks, bearings, wheels. About $125 investment in keeping him from spiraling downward enough to need to go into inpatient psychiatric treatment.

I don't buy him cheap board stuff. It breaks too easy, and he's a pretty good skater, so his board takes a beating, and buying better pays, but boy, I wish I didn't need to do it this week.

He's got the miserables bad. He went to his brother's last night to hang for awhile, but left his meds at home. Somebody's going to have to go the 50 miles to connect him with his medicine. He particularly doesn't need to not be taking it now.

One thing after another. What I need is a long hot shower. I'd take a bath, but the tub's in Son's bathroom, and it would take more work than I want to do to get it spa ready!

Yesterday was cluttered and busy...

2005-08-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

And today has been running around all day...

Still a little bloaty, but I feel better and have dropped 3 of the offending undeserved pounds ... so I don't feel nearly as crabby.

My son, though, is having a bad day. He called in to see what his schedule was at work, and they told him that he didn't need to come back to work. He was pretty crushed.

There are days, I feel like the knitting woman here. Knitting while carrying peat in her basket, she worked hard to make things hold together. Not an easy life. Life is often rather burdensome, but the alternative is not something I want to experience yet!

I hope he doesn't do anything stupid tonight because of that.

But on a good note, I heard from a cousin of mine. She and my mom were best friends growing up, and I think of her more as an aunt than a cousin. She didn't take my mom's passing very well, and her mom died around the same time as mine did, so it was hard for her. I thought she was going to be at my niece's wedding, but she didn't make it. So it was especially good for her to drop me a line - moreso since I had lost her email address!

Sick day, part 2

2005-08-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

The frustration of knowing you have eaten 1300 calories a day average for the last 4 months, and you put on 4 lbs in two days.

It's not weight gained for real, of course. It's bloat. And it makes you feel achy. And crabby. And all those pmsy symptoms that make me feel like a walking Midol commercial.

Of course, being just a few days from turning 50, I have no idea if its a TOM event or something else is triggering it.

I don't like to be a gripey puss, either, but I have been one.

Still working on a webpage overhaul. I've been getting to indulge in playing with graphics, which I'm not actually great at because I've done most of mine using cheap freebee editors instead of the more elaborate ones, but I really enjoy doing playing with them. In my search for images, I found this pic - a victorian painting which I forgot the name of, but looks kind of transitional between things like the pre-Raphaelites and the Art Nouveau movement. More Art Nouveau, I think but a bit more realistic. Maybe I love it because it matches my mood right now!

Anyway, my dear hubby got dressed this morning like it was 1795, in broadfall pants, a linen shirt, and a linen overshirt, and went off to a meeting with our reenactment club. We're getting ready to have our big event over Labor Day weekend, and I know my reenactment clothes won't fit me any more. This means I will have to redo or remake my period skirts, and you can forget about corsetry. I wouldn't dream of making another corset until my weight stabilizes.

Last year, it rained on us the entire day we went out, until sunset, when our club had it's potluck dinner. The event takes place at Fort Bridger, Wyoming, and it can get fairly cool there in September, particularly when it rains. Here is a pic of me and hubby, slightly ragged with a blanket wrapped around my waist, and me about 4o-45 lbs heavier than I am now. Hubby looks really good in a cocked hat. Shame its too far off the norm to wear it on a regular basis!

Sick Day....

2005-08-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

Weekly weigh-in postponed. Woke up 2 lbs heavier than the day before, achy, tummy problems, and the beginnings of a UTI. Not a time to worry about the fine points of dieting.

So what do you do when this happens? Me, I write down in my food journal: Sick Day, count my calories, but don't worry about the totals. I try to listen to what my body is telling me. Today, I just feel ragged out. It's not fair to get sick to your stomach when you need to be drinking cranberry juice! I'm hoping to get some extra rest, too. Passed on doing my volunteer work.

All week long I've been yoyoing with fluid retention. Up two pounds one day, down two pounds the next. Not fun, especially as they make my hands feel stiff. I guess I've been building up to something.

But on a nice note, Teen got his first paycheck yesterday. I am not telling him how to spend it. When the court case gets heard for his tickets, he will be expected to pay the fine himself, and I won't dip into some money he has reserved for him for emergencies to pay it. I will let him deal with it - and it's common here for a judge to require kids old enough to work to pay for their fines themselves.

I'm actually proud that he's managed to hold on to his job for three weeks. I didn't know for sure if he could handle it for a week. Doing better than I thought!

Didn't write anything yesterday....

2005-08-04T07:54:00.000-07:00

I've gotten busy.

I've started doing volunteer work at a library, three days a week for about 12-15 hours a week. I like it.

I'm doing a major overhaul of my webpages. I spent all day yesterday playing around with creating graphics. This one which should have been easy took too long:

But then, I didn't know what I wanted when I started.

My son, both sweet and sassy, is dealing with the stress of having to put up with the boyfriend of his ex-almost girlfriend telling tales about him that he says aren't true. And I believe him. (However they classify such things among themselves nowadays is a sheer mystery to me - but in all major ways to old folks like me this was his girlfriend). Mostly though, I think he's mad at the girl, and dealing with her choosing someone he thinks is so much lower down the social scale than he is.

My diet goes on, but I seem, finally to be plateauing. YUCK!!! This point, getting across the 200 barrier has always been a hard job for me, and I seem to have a natural pause point here. Time to examine diet and supplement and workouts, but at least I can rest in the knowledge that I'm not off the food discipline. Nice thing about documenting it. I don't have to feel insecure. I know if I keep on keeping on, I will do fine.

Sometimes I wonder....

2005-08-02T05:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder about how I got through my adolescence and still my parents didn't disown me.

There are days when my teen pulls a stunt (like staying out all night and not coming home to five in the afternoon) that I know how much I put my parents through, and I wonder at their ability to resist the temptation to asking me to move out.

This morning, I don't know if I'll have the same ability. I'm ticked off that he got mad that I was upset that it was so late when he came home because I was worried about him - and ticked off because he promised he would be home.

I've been told that some of this behavior is due to the fact that he is pushing those close to him away so he won't be hurt like when his birth mom and sister died. It's rough being pushed against.

Thinking about the fall

2005-07-31T11:17:00.000-07:00

My husband likes to go hunting in the fall. Mostly we go for ducks and also go grouse hunting, and I like to go with him some of the time.

One of the things that has happened is since I have lost so much weight, my old hunting jackets and waders don't fit me any more. My all-weather Columbia camo coat was a men's 3x. My heavy wool vest is going to swallow me up. Yesterday, we went trying on new coats and lo and behold, I can wear a man's L. It's a little snug across the tummy, especially if I were putting it over waders, but wow. That is quite a reduction.

See the pic of a heftier me looking over the marsh from a viewing station.

If you wear things like waders or bib overalls, and the inseam is too long, it can make it really difficult to walk, especially through marshy land. I had that problem last year and went out and got bigger, but shorter waders. Won't even be able to wear them this year.
Picture of Salt Creek Marsh in early winter after the ice has started...a stark and beautiful place.

Maybe I'll just pass on the duck hunting, and concetrate on the grouse. We have quite a hike up a mountain trail (1000 feet up and about 2.5 miles in) to get to where we find them. I have loved hiking up this trail, but its physically been very demanding when I was weighing over 240. I'm looking forward to how it feels to be hiking up that path come this fall, when I will be weighing so much less.

I don't really care if we get any - for me it's an excuse to get up in the mountains as the leaves are turning, the aspenis golden and the weather is fine. And there's this wonderful view of the mountains you can't see from down in the valley... spectacular payoff for a long, sometimes hot pull.

But now the pressing question (unusual for hunting season) will be - whatever shall I wear?

Weigh In Day

2005-07-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

The start of week 16:

weight 207

Measurements: 39 3/4
Waist 39 (If I measure too tight, I can get it down to 38 - been a very long time since I could do that!)
Abdomen: 47
Hips: 44 1/2

Been amazing how fast I have lost weight off my hips: started out at 52 " - 7 1/2 inches less there!

And 8.5 inches off my waist, too. That one's the most important one for my health. I read on the American Diabetes site that if your waist is below 39 inches, you have much less risk for insulin resistance.

The other day, my hubby told me I don't look so oversized any more...I look like a normal heavy woman...It doesn't sound like a complement to outsiders, but to me, it feels good.

Dog Daze....

2005-07-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

It has been such a nice morning...cool, light, and enough to make me want to go out and play instead of doing the stuff I need to do today. Ah well.

I compensated by filling up my bird feeders and watching my three dogs play.

This is Amber, the oldest of the three...she's about eleven. Nowadays, what she likes best to do is sit outside, and watch the fenceline for some wood rats that hang out in the neighbor's wood pile and eat what the birds drop from the bird feeder. In her youth, Amber was a pretty good hunter. She much prefers to hunt on her own, instead of retreive like she was trained to.

These are Hunter and Velvet. Hunter, the golden, used to be my oldest son's dog, but like a lot of kids do, he's grown up and moved on, and now Hunter has decided that she's my dog. She's also a first class escape artist, and will find or create holes under the fence, and we have to watch her like a hawk. She's about seven, and is the baby of our doggie family

The little black dog is my baby, Velvet. Some sort of mixed breed terrier, she's my constant shadow, although now that she's about ten, she's more willing to let Hunter shadow me while she relaxes on her special pillow. The smallest of the bunch, she has convinced the other two dogs that she's the head honcho. Don't ask me why they let her get away with it, but they do. Maybe because she's mommy's little angel.

Such a nice day, and I have to do laundry. Ah well. Maybe I'll go out and sit on the porch in between loads while it's still cool. Supposed to get up to 96 today. I won't be sitting out then!

Hard Truths (a nutrition-diabetes-dieting rant)

2005-07-27T06:47:00.000-07:00

One of the things that was driven home to me during my trip was this:

Everybody in my bloodline, except for my grandmother and uncle, are overweight.

On my mom's side of the family there is a strong tendency towards heart disease and diabetes.

My brother and I, my mother before me are really subject to carbohydrate cravings, which is a factor in insulin resistance and diabetes. My brother, whom I love dearly, loves food that is rich in carbohydrate and fat, and he's on two medications for his cholesterol and is absolutely in the prediabetic phase. They know he's starting to plaque up in his arteries. His grandfather died of diabetic complications after two major strokes.

One of the saddest things I read that my mother wrote was how she started every day with the good intentions to stay on her diet, but she had this problem with bread. This was part of the syndrome that killed her.

There is hard truth here: with our tendencies, we cannot eat like people who don't have them. When you are pre-diabetic or diabetic, you cannot eat like other people. It's a handicap, like other disabilities, and if you still go on eating that way, it will make you fat and kill you.

There is no compromise. You either eat differently, or you get fat and get diabetes, heart disease, kidney trouble, chf and all the other problems that come from having metabolic syndrome.

It's impossible to have it both ways.

The ONLY way I cope is by restricting my carbs to small amounts. It's like binge drinking: if a binge drinker drinks too much too fast, they will drink until they pass out, because the alcohol takes over. A person with metabolic syndrome has to admit that carb rich foods are dangerous to them, and has to restrict them to levels (and perhaps kinds) that work with their body. No other choice except to be sick and fat.

Looking at foods on the glycemic index might help. But for me, it's strictly a matter of quantity. If I eat a sandwich at lunch, and eat some light chips, I will want to eat all afternoon. If I want to eat carbs in more than the amount of one slice of bread (say, 100 calories) I have to eat it at night.

What do I do if I get the afternoon hungries? I eat something protein rich, like non-fat, unsweetened yogurt (which I like the taste of) which seems to short-circuit the munchies. When I do eat carby foods during the day, I eat them in small amounts, like no more than 100-110 calories worth (I am particularly fond of Genisoy's Soy Chips for this). I avoid potatoes during the day, and only eat them with dinner.

At dinner time, I normally eat a carb portion of about 200 calories. I don't graze after dinner, and it's the largest meal of my day. This works for me.

I expect to eat something like this the rest of my life. The total calorie portions will change perhaps, but the concept, low amounts of carb at any one time, lots of fiber rich veggies and fruit, and avoiding things that rely on too much high fructose corn syrup will be the way I must eat.

I must eat this way, because I have a disability. I process carbohydrates in ways that are bad for my health. I don't want to live like that. I decided to stop fooling myself.

This is something that those of us with metabolic syndrome have to do, or suffer the consequences. There's really no middle ground.

I'm back!

2005-07-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

Back from a lovely weekend with my family, wishing my niece and her new husband the best of wishes as they start their new life together.

As usual, Houston was hot and steamy. North Houston is awash in fast growth and pine trees...I had driven down that road many times back when I lived there, but didn't recognize anything!

My dad and stepmom and their dog, my old friend Bear, were the first to arrive from out of town. Dad's sort of a desert rat nowadays, living in a tiny community in West Texas, and sort of resembles Papa Smurf with his white beard. Bear is about 15 years old, and spends lots of his time sleeping, but he seemed to remember me quite well. I don't suspect I'll get to see him again, and it will be a sad day for my dad when he goes.

Bit by bit we all arrived. My grandma and uncle were next, along with my sister-in-law's daughter (my niece's stepsister) and my brother's ex-wife and family. Amazingly, enough time had gone under the bridge that there was no real tension between my sil and ex-sil, which has not always been the case! It was nice to see her again.

I took lots of pictures, but haven't gotten them scanned in yet. Here are a couple I copied with my digital camera (bad resolution, but still nice:)

From the right: me, a friend of my niece, my niece and one of her bridesmaids. My niece's colors were black and white...and another of her stepsisters had to put the screws to her not to use fake silk black roses for her bouquet!

After the wedding, the family went to a real Texas icehouse (a bar and grill type place) where they used beer cartons to hold things like salt and pepper, and used rolls of paper towels instead of napkins, and had some really interesting decorations.

Starting from the left, my step-niece, my brother, my father (the blue robed figure in the background with outstretched arms,) me and my stepmom. My grandmother and uncle were there too, but you can't see them.

I was teased a bit about my not eating like the rest of them (here, I had about 6 oz of steak, a salad with vinegar and half an undressed baked potato), but I still enjoyed myself and had no heartburn.

The ride home was bumpy...lots of thunderstorms. But it was good to see everybody once again...living 2000 miles away from everyone else means I don't get to do family get-togethers very often, but I hope I can do it more often than once every six years!

And btw, I was a good girl...when I got home, found I had lost two pounds during the trip!

Just about all packed...

2005-07-20T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have yahoo maps of the route from the airport to the hotel, from the hotel to my brother's house,I have my my clothes to wear tomorrow ready to go, my cds carefully sorted out so I can listen to music, two books packed. and may stick some crochet in the flight bag.

I have a notebook for my food journal, every prescription I use when my tummy acts up, enough clothes so I could change clothes three times a day for the days I'm in Houston (and as hot as it is, that's not impossible).

I have most of my email on no-email, lots of hair do-dads so I can wear my hair in various ways, including ways that my aged grandmother would think is improper for a woman of my age.

I have a neat picture of my getting married niece as a little girl that my mom used to carry around on a keyring which I intend to give to my niece.

Now I am tired. It's time to hurry up and wait. It's an early flight tomorrow, but I wonder how well I'll sleep.

My only sadness is my hubby can't come with me. But thanks to the miracle of cell phones, we will stay in easy touch.